Monday, November 30, 2009

Last Day of National Adoption Month

It's the last day of National Adoption Month. So, one more highlight on the subject.


To some, it's an answered prayer. To others, it's a word of hurt and loss. I don't like the fact that some people have such negative thoughts about adoption. Why? Because it's who I am. Someone saying something bad about adoption is basically saying something bad about me. I read something recently that said adopted children have "mental problems". (Ok it didn't say "mental problems" per say, but it alluded to it). Hmmmmmm.....I don't feel crazy. In fact, I feel I'm highly intelligent. My brothers are well rounded and intelligent as well. I didn't like reading that comment. But the woman who wrote it was a birth mom, a very hurt birth mom.

There is a problem in adoption that I don't like. Adoptive parents not keeping their promises and birth parents not keeping theirs. I also read recently about an adoptive parent that did not keep her promise to their birth mom. But after a few years and becoming more educated about adoption, realized she was wrong. I understand that people make mistakes. We should forgive despite the hurt we feel. But when birth parents and adoptive parents refuse to keep their promises to each other, I don't like that. Adoption is about compromise. It's doing whats best for ALL parties, not just one or the other. Most of all, it's about doing what's best for the child.

One more problem in adoption...

There was a time when birth mothers were forced in placing their children. These women are hurt and often these are the women that talk bad about adoption. I can feel their pain. To be forced into such a life changing decision, against what you feel, is very wrong. Their hurt is understandable. But do I think they should bad mouth ALL adoptions? No. That's like saying all one religion or race is bad, just because you had a bad experience with something. For example, I had an AMAZING experience getting an epidural when I was in labor. My sister in law did not have a good experience. Ask us both about epidurals, and we will give you two sides. Does it mean that EVERY SINGLE epidural turns out horrible?? No. Just two different experiences.

Adoption is a touchy subject. I wish there was nothing but good when it comes to adoption. Shame on people that have no experience in adoption, yet still feel the need to bad mouth it. Shame on you! Adoption should be a beautiful thing and when people bad mouth it, they take some of that beauty away.

Adoption is different to many people. I can only tell you my experience. You may have had a bad one, and for that I'm truly sorry. Adoption should not be bad. It should be one of sacrifice, love, hope and courage.

Adoptive parents, I have so much respect for you. Most adoptive parents have struggled with infertility or they are infertile. The pain you must have felt to find out your body turned against you. My heart aches for you. After you have grieved, you find a new found hope; adoption.

Birth parents, especially birth moms, oh how I love you. I know exactly how you feel. The sacrifice you made for the one you love, the pain of letting go. I have been there, and I have cried with you.

Adopted children. You are very loved. I feel the extra love. I had a birth mother thinking of my everyday for 22 years before I even met her. It was an awesome feeling knowing I had a set of extra people rooting for me. You are special and loved by so many.

Adoption has made me who I am, and for that, I am grateful.


Jenn Oldham said...

I love your post! You give great insight on adoption and I are highly intelligent!

Ashley said...

This is a battle I'm going to be fighting in a few weeks. My husband's younger sister was adopted and likes to trash the entire process ("No mother should ever throw away her baby if she loves them.")

The issue I face is the new-found inability to keep my mouth shut. In bashing adoption, she's degrading me, my husband, our daughter and our Carri. I understand that there are a lot of people who were adopted at a time when it was thought that severing ties was best for the child and the birth mother, but things have changed (except for that story which made my blood boil) and it's like saying that Doctors are butchers because 50 years ago they still prescribed cigarettes and lobotomies.

When done properly and by everyone's choice and free will, adoption is a beautiful thing.

Thank you for sharing.

Emily said...

Again Sierra, you are AWESOME.

Cricket said...

What of the free will of the child though?

Sean and Sierra said...

I read some of your blog and I do understand somewhat where you are coming from. The free will of the child?

Parents main responsibility is to make the best decisions for their child. A newborn can not make decisions for itself and therefore relies on it's parent to make good decisions for the baby...example..feedings, diapering, sleep patterns. It relies completely on the parent. In my opinion, and being a birth mom myself, we do whats best for our child. I know that my birth son would have a better life with his adoptive parents because at the time, I was in a very bad place. I do not regret it now that my life is better, because at the time, it was the best decision for him.

As you asked in your blog for no negative comments, I feel the same with my experience. I am adopted. I am a birth mom. Your experience may have been bad, but mine was not. My adoptive parents are wonderful and I love them as my parents. My birth mother is wonderful and I love her as my birth mother. I am very grateful that my birth mother looked out side herself and DID give me a better life. And now, I have a great relationship with my birth mother. Adoption is different for everyone. Just like I posted in my blog, everyones experience is different. I am sorry if yours has been a bad one, but that doesn't change the good experience I've had.

Cricket said...

Actually, I didn't say on my blog that I wouldn't accept negative comments...only that I want my readers to be respectful of all persons' opinions.

I'm glad that you had a good you said though, that wasn't my experience. And even if my life HAD BEEN rainbows and sunshine, that doesn't change the fact that with adoption comes an inherent sense of loss..for ALL adoptees.

Anonymous said...

I am happy for you that your adoption and relinquishment were so positive for you. What concerns me is that you seem to see it all as being so black and white, that people who share negative feelings about adoption are bashing it, bad-mouthing it, and you take that personally. For me, being adopted was not a particularly pleasant experience and I am not going to keep my mouth shut about it just because some people had good experiences but that seems to be what you are saying people should do. I believe that family preservation should be more important than adoption. To paraphrase your comment to Cricket, I am glad if yours has been a good experience, but that doesn't change the bad experience I've had. When adoptees who have had good experiences dismiss those who haven't as being negative and angry, it helps no-one. I do not have a google account but I will sign my name - Erimentha.

Anonymous said...

Sierra, you look young and very beautiful. I don't mean to disrespect in any way what you are saying about adoption, but when I was your age I too would have said my adoption was positive.

Now I look back and wonder how I could ever have thought that. I agree with you that all parties of the adoption triad have their own burdens to bear. But I do think that those of us who have been adopted, especially in the closed adoption era, have a lot to grieve.

I don't see it as disrespecting you or anyone else when someone says that their adoption experience was bad. As Cricket says, there is an inherent sense of loss for all adoptees. Having an adoptive family that wants you does not erase the sense of not being wanted that goes with being adopted. It does not take away the sense of something missing - the connection that you have with your birth family, even though you don't know them. It does not take away the loneliness of knowing no one who looks like you.

And as Erimentha says, family preservation should be more important than adoption. The dismissal of those of us who have not had good experiences is putting salt on our wounds.

Dr Clare.

Sean and Sierra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean and Sierra said...

I am not saying that ALL adoptions are rainbows and sunshine, which I clearly stated in my post, and Cricket, the only reason I mentioned negative posts was because I had a feeling that more people would respond and I don't want disrespect (that’s my interpretation of negative).

I don't feel a sense of loss from being adopted. And I'm sure that some adoptees feel that way. But how can I comment on that when I don't know what’s it's like to have those hurt feelings? I don't have them, so therefore I can not comment on it. I'm not trying to say that all adoption is perfect. EVERY family has it's trials. My husband has his biological family, and they have been through some horrific trials. All families have problems, adopted or not. And since I feel a certain way about adoption, why is that bad? I had a good experience. Can I not blog about my positive experience? I know there is a bad side to adoption. I also know there is a grey area. I know that not all adoptions turn out right. BUT....I can not comment on that! I don't know what it's like to be a hurt adoptee or a birth mom that doesn't care. I don't like to comment on things that I personally have not experienced.

I'm not trying to diss adoptees that are hurt and feel a sense of loss, but I don't feel a sense of loss. So, I feel the comment about ALL adoptees feeling that is wrong. That’s just if I were to say that all adoption is's not. Maybe it's because I know my birth mother. I have a curiosity about my birth father, but that’s as far as it goes.

Dr Clare,to say that adopted children aren't wanted, or they feel that way….I stongly disagree with that. I WANTED my birth son. But I was in a very dangerous place and it was not a good or safe place for me to raise my birth son in. I did want him, but I had to be a true mother and give what I couldn't provide at the and sercurity.

We all have our own experiences and I'll say again, mine was good and I have no reason to believe that it won't stay good. I have always known I was adopted and never felt badly about it. Maybe it was how my parents raised me, I'm not sure. But like I said, I can only give my experience. To those that feel hurt and a sense of loss, I'm truly sorry. I wish that you could all have my experience. It saddens me. I'm not trying to pour salt in wounds. I want to educate people that not ALL adoption is bad. That may hurt some people, but I will not apologize for that and I will keep educating about my own experience. But I do believe that education on both sides is key for understanding.

Thanks for the comments!


SustainableFamilies said...

Well hi there Sierra, guess what, I'm an adoptee...and a biomom also!

Here's the thing, if when you were pregnant there had been resources that targeted finding support and solutions specifically for the concerns you had about your abilities to be an amazing parent, would you have wanted them?

If someone had brainstormed with you ways to create financial success, to support you through emotional turmoil, to help you learn techniques to increase your emotional health and stability?

You say that "you were not in a place to parent" do you think maybe, that some of those emotions "depression, overwhelmed, emotional rollercoaster" might have been related to adoption?

I certainly don't have an answer, but studies have indicated that it's possible that adoption can increase these problems for children.

If your placed child got pregnant or got a girlfriend pregnant would you encourage her to go through the pain you went through? Would you repeat the cycle?

Or would you do everything in your power to help create positive empowering solutions for your child to be the amazing parent you know they can be?

Adoption is a solution when no other solution can be made to keep the family together and allow the child to thrive in a wonderful environment.

I would love to see our efforts first be put toward helping mom create a wonderful environment without having to lose their children.

I think it's great to be happy with the past and the present, I also think it's good to look for how the future could be even better!


Sean and Sierra said...

All I'm going to say is go back and read my other post. I have posted a lot about adoption. I could sit here all day and try to explain my thoughts, but I would be here all day. I have so much insight on the subject that cannot be shared over the computer. So, please, go check out my other blogs. Maybe you can get a better insight on my adoption experience that is different from all of yours.

Jake & Rachel said...

Well this is just so dramatic, "putting salt on [their] wounds?" How could anyone think your words are at all intended to be malicious? I'm really disturbed that people would comment like this on your site. I hope you keep on posting about adoption, I for one find your journey spiritual and uplifting. And if you uplift me, who is neither a birthmom, adoptee or adopted, think of everyone else you are helping. Let the naysayers be miserable, but don't let it get you down.

Cricket said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Fergy Bunch said...

Wow Sierra! I'm so sorry you have so many negative comments on your post. This is your personal blog and you should be allowed to share your opinions, feelings, etc. how you see fit and not have this kind of behavior. I thought your post was great and I think it's wonderful that you have such a great and positive attitude about it. I know it's not possible for everyone to feel that way because not everyone was as blessed like you were but their feelings on the matter should be kept on their blog and if they don't like what you wrote then they need to not comment and leave it alone. Happiness is a choice, and apparently they are more focused on the negative, etc. You did the very best thing for your son and I'm proud of you. Keep blogging about adoption - people need to hear the positive sides too!

Anonymous said...

I have so many things I want to say about Sierra and adoption. Where do I begin. First of all, I am Sierra's birth mom, Emily. When I found out I was pregnant with her, I didn't know what to do. My first choice was abortion. Now having been raised in the LDS chruch, I knew within my heart that that was not the answer. However, I came very close to doing it. In fact, had it not been for my Father in Heaven.....I knew then what I had to do. I just didn't know how to go about it. I followed what I know to a divine guide. As far as for me keeping Sierra and "raising" her?? The ansewer was NO. She was not mine to keep. She belongs to her family that raised her. I was just the vessel that got her here. Sierra is an awesome, beautiful, caring woman. And I am so grateful to have her in my life now. And if I didn't ever meet her, that would be okay too. Cause I would know that she was raised without any unanswered questions. Oh and by the way....When I placed Sierra, it WAS NOT the norm to meet the adoptive parents, but I would not have any other way. So, yeah I kind of feel like a pioneer in that aspect!! I love my birth daughter with all my heart, and we are very good friends. I love her parents and her brothers and we must not forget the wives oh, and Sean...He's awesome. Anyway, I am sorry that there are people out there that have had a poor adoption experience. It is really very sad. However, don't drag a person down because they have a good one. Love to all...Emily

Sean and Sierra said...

Thanks Emily. You are the best. You have helped shape my adoption experience into a great one. And I have NEVER felt a sense of loss EVER! Thanks and I love you!!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.