Never in a MILLION years did I ever think I would be a birth mom. Not because I think bad of birth moms, but because I never thought I would end up with an unplanned pregnancy. For those that don't know, I decided on adoption 2 weeks before I was due with "J". His adoptive parents are people that I knew before, I'll call them "Mr. & Mrs. S". Anyways....since I had waited so long to make a decision, I was already VERY attached to J. I don't think any woman can not get attached at some point. I didn't sleep those few nights I had alone with J in the hospital. I wanted every waking minute with him. I spent so much time with him that the nurses had a bet that I'd change my mind. (I'm glad my mother told me that AFTER I left the hospital. I probably would have gone off if I'd known then). I wanted those moments with him. They were MY moments. Did it make it harder....maybe. I'm not sure because I didn't do it the other way. But I know that I am SOOOO happy I had those moments in those 3 days.
The hardest part about being a birth mom, is essentially, you are breaking your own heart. No one chooses to get a broken heart. Usually, it's because someone else decides to break it for you. So, when you decide to do it yourself, it can be very painful. The hardest day for me, was the day right after placement. The only reason I slept the first night away from J, was out of pure exhaustion. But when I woke up, I felt as though I was going to die. I can not describe the pain I felt in my heart. That is the emotional pain that reminds me that I can get through anything.
The pain does subside, but it will never fully go away. How could it? I wouldn't want it to. The pain reminds me of the great thing I did. I helped change someone's life. I was able to change my own life. I was able to give someone a great gift. The pain is there as a reminder that I will always love this little boy. I still cry, after 3 years, but not as much. But I tell Sean I need to cry about it every now and again. It's cleansing....it's healing.
People think I'm special. Now, before you think I'm getting arrogant....let me explain. I have had 2 people tell me that I'm different then other birth moms. That I'm one of the only ones that actually loved my baby. That most women do it for money, or just don't care.....ummm...excuse me?!? I get highly defensive of other birth moms when negative things are said. I have NEVER met a birth mom that did not care for her child. And lets just say that a birth mom was choosing adoption because she just didn't want a kid....isn't that better then the mother that keeps her child, but parties so much that the kid ends up being taken away anyway?! Despite the reasons that a birth mother has for choosing adoption, she is still putting the child above herself. It takes a special woman to be a birth mom. So, when someone puts one down, I feel it's a personal attack.
People are still shocked when they find out I'm a birth mom. I want people to know because I want people to see the other side of adoption. I want ignorant people to see that birth moms aren't these irresponsible people. I want girls faced with unplanned pregnancies to know that adoption is a beautiful choice...yes it's hard....but it's still beautiful and so worth it.
Choosing adoption is the hard choice. It takes a great deal of courage to break your own heart. The only way I know that I was able to do that, was that I was able to step out of myself for one split second, and really look at what I was doing. All it took was one second for me to realize that I wanted J to have the best. One second for me to realize that Mr. and Mrs. S needed to be his parents. A million prayers were answered in one second.
I never thought in a million years that I would be a birth mom. But I'm so glad that I am.
*for the curious people, I do get letters and pictures twice a year...and I will not show newer pictures of J....but just for the record..and I'm not being biased....he is one GOOD LOOKING KID!! *