Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mom vs Birth Mom

I have not yet been asked the question, "is being a birth mom different then being a mom?" I'm actually quite surprised. Maybe people think I don't want to talk about the adoption anymore (not true!). Or maybe people really just have not thought about it. But I have.

So, what is the difference you may ask? Well, there is the obvious. Mom = raising a baby. Birth mom = no baby. But there is so much more to it then that.

When Brielle was first born, I was happy! But I had this extremely strange feeling that over took me in the hours after she was born. I'm sure it had a lot to do with exhaustion and hormones but I know that it was more then that. I watched Sean as he talked and loved on our new baby. What was wrong with me? I didn't really want to express this strange feeling with Sean because he was so happy!

As the day turned to night and Sean finally fell asleep in a little bed next to me. I began to stare at this little girl and ask myself, "why am I feeling this way?" As I had these thoughts, a little baby's face came into my mind. It was a little boy instead of a little girl. It was C. The last time I had been at the hospital to have a baby, it was not a joyful experience. As I'm laying there holding Brielle, with C's face in my mind, I began to weep. They were tears of sadness.

I missed C. I missed the newborn baby that I had held at the same hospital 4 1/2 years earlier. I missed his baby smell and baby sounds. I missed him.

As the tears slowed, something began to happen. The strange feeling started to go away. I looked at Brielle and my heart began to swell! I realized then why I was so hesitant at first. I was afraid I was going to replace C with Brielle. There is no replacement for C. I think any mother who loses a child feels the same. You can not replace one child with another. I had to figure that out and sort out my feelings. Brielle and C both have my heart, but separate parts. All my children will have their own parts.

So here I am, trying to find my place as a mother and birth mother. Two different titles. Two entirely different roles. At times its tough. I don't ever want to forget about C. But I also want Brielle to always know how special she is to me. And though I'm sure at times, both roles will be very difficult, I know that Heavenly Father will be there to get me through those tough times.

While both being a mom and a birth mom are both entirely different, they are two roles that I will take on with full force and love. I LOVE the fact that I am Brielle's mommy. I love that I get to cuddle her and nurture her and watch her grow. I also LOVE that I'm C's birth mommy. I love that I gave him life. I love that I gave him a family. I love that even though it was hard, I put his needs above my wants. I love that I get to watch him grow and be nurtured through pictures and letters that his parents send me. I love what I have learned in being both a birth mom and a mom. I love that being a birth mom has made me a better mom.

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me. He has blessed me so much in both of my roles. And in order to repay my Father in Heaven, I will continue to try and be the best mom AND birth mom. Because in the end, there really is no competition between the two.


Didi & Jason said...

Oh sierra. You are sooo strong and have such a wonderful spirit. I'm honored to be ur friend and ur children are so lucky to have u as their mommy!

Sarah said...

This is so touching. Thank you for sharing!

Rachel said...

That is so amazing you were able to give that family a precious addition - that is the most amazing gift I can think of and what a strong person you are for knowing that was the right thing for you and doing it!

Cami said...

beautiful post.

A Life Being Lived said...

Such a great post!!! I am a birthmom and so curious about parenthood "after". I'm not in a position to become a mom right now but I do want to be one eventually. This is such an honest and open post and so wise. So mature and heartfelt! Thank you.