Trials and Blessings

The last week has been obviously hard. Our baby dreams were shattered once again. And, my body decided that it wanted to attack me. I have a sinus infection and a bladder infection. My sinus infection is so bad, I will be on antibiotics for 3 weeks. I jokingly told my doctor yesterday that I should be patient of the year and have my picture on the wall.

Since my ob/gyn won't test me till I've had 3 miscarriages in a row, I'm taking this into my own hands. I have hypothyroidism, which can lead to fertility problems. So, when I saw my endocrinologist yesterday, I mentioned my miscarriage. He said that the miscarriages could be a result of my endocrine system, so he's going to test my estrogen, progesterone, and all the other things that could cause a miscarriage.

Then I went to my wonderful allergist for an allergy shot. He squeezed me in, even though I didn't have an appointment because I was having horrible sinus headaches, and yup, another sinus infection. He x-rayed me and one of my sinus is completely blocked. Lovely right? So, he's worried that I may have an Immune Deficiency Disorder because I get so many sinus infections and sometimes antibiotics don't work. He said that this disorder could cause you to miscarry. So, he tested me for that, and I'll find out about it in a week. So, I'm taking things into my own hands. If all my testing comes back fine, then we'll just go from there.

So, despite the loss of another baby, sickness and getting poked with a lot of needles,

SEAN AND I ARE HOMEOWNERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm just a little excited! Things have been hard, but I have to remember that we are still so blessed. This home was so meant for us. One Sunday, I felt as though we should pay more fast offerings, so we did. A week later, an LDS realtor, Jon Silva, that my parents have used, emailed Sean that he wanted to help us find a house. (We had been going through another lady). So, we met with Jon 2 days later. We thought it was just going to be a meeting, but he had 5 houses to show us. We saw one and felt kinda of good about it. But then we saw OUR home. We felt the Spirit pretty quick and knew we wanted to make an offer. So, we did and the bank counter offered the next day! Jon was shocked because banks usually don't counter offer until they have many offers. Everything went smoothly and we had zero issues. We got the keys on Friday and we are having some cosmetic work done on it before we move in. I will post pictures soon of our first home!

I am quite aware that in the mist of tragedy, the Lord will still bless you.

I know it's late but....

Happy Belated Birthday to my mother in law Pam (her birthday is Valentines Day)! You have been a great mommy in law to me and I look forward to many MANY more year with you.

And Happy Belated Valenitnes Day. I'm so blessed to have Sean as a husband. This year was the worst Valenitnes yet. Are you confused yet? I have the best husband, yet I had the worst Valentines Day? This is pretty personal and I wasn't going to share, but maybe my story can help someone else.

Sean and I have suffered another miscarriage. This one was earlier then the last one, but still emotionally painful. I started bleeding at church, so Sean took me to Urgent Care, which was horrilbe( we were there for 5 hours). But despite being the worst Valentines ever, I have the best husband who loves me more then anything and is so wonderful and supportive. We are trying to have faith that our time will come soon. And we are hoping for a better Valentines Day next year.

There is nothing better than a man you can lean on.

NOTE TO ALL MY BLOG READERS

So whoever keeps posting weird comments under anonymous on my blog, you have now been blocked. No more anonymous comments. I don't mind keeping my blog open for blog stalking and adoption information. But I do mind when people leave degrading or weird comments. This is NOT a political, educational, business, blog. It's MY personal blog! I don't mind sharing my experiences with people, but because of all the weird comments I've been getting, I now have taken my nieces and nephews off my blog. One day I will make it private, but today is not the day. SOOOO...that being said, I don't mind strangers reading my blog because they find some information interesting, but no more weird comments. It's freaking me out!

Poetry and Grief

Grief is a part of being a birth mother. I went through all the stages of grief. While I was in my darkest hours, something that helped was writing poetry. To this day, if I read a poem I wrote during that time, I break down. Because I all to clearly, remember the grief behind it. While going through our filing cabinet today, I decided to look through our folder labeled "adoption", which contains my relinquishment papers, cards from friends, adoption pamphlets and some of my poetry. My first mothers day after "J" was born, was particularly hard. I called "J"s mom just to see how he was doing. Of course his mom was so sweet and understanding. Well, apparently I wrote "J"s mom a mothers day poem that first mothers day, but I never sent it to her! It was a rough draft that I wrote and I don't know why I didn't send it, but I wanted to share it with you.

We are two different women
Living miles apart
but the same little boy
stole our heart.
You were praying for a child
the chance to be called mother.
I was praying for an answer
if to give my child to another.
Now you are a mommy
on your first Mothers Day.
Now I am a birth mom
and will celebrate in a different way.
We are both mommy's
to our little boy
Being two different mommy's
Brings us both great joy.
For you will raise him in your home
with such great love and care.
I will raise him in my heart
For he will forever reside there.
As we celebrate, our first Mothers Day,
We can both thank motherhood
for helping us find our way.