Friday, November 5, 2010

My Story (How I chose adoption)

It's National Adoption Month again! YAY! I love blogging about adoption. But I want to set some ground rules this time. I understand that some people have had negative experiences in adoption and I'm so sorry that you have. But I have NOT had a bad experience. This is MY experience and MY story and this year I will not except rude or negative comments. They will be deleted and not responded too. That being said.......

Its National Adoption Month: How I became a birth mom

Before I went away to school at Utah State in Logan Utah, I was the "good girl". I was active in the LDS church and I tried to do everything I was suppose to. When I finally left for school, my future was very bright. I thought I'd meet a nice guy, marry, finish school and have babies. But that didn't happen. Or it didn't happen in that order.

I'm not sure how or exactly the moment that it happened, but I stopped caring. Stopped caring about how I appeared to others. Stop caring about the church I once loved so much. Stopped caring about what I was doing. I wasn't involved in anything TOO heinous, but definitely bad enough that some consequences were bound to catch up with me.

I met "S" at the beginning of the Spring 2005 semester at Utah State. Despite being inactive in my church, I knew I should stay away from him, but I didn't. I did actually try to stay away for awhile as he pursued me, but eventually I gave in. At first, things were great with him. I thought he was an ok guy. I realize now, being with him was probably the lowest I have ever been in my life. His sweet side changed and before I knew it, he was in and out of jail for dealing drugs. What had I gotten myself into! In November of 2005, he went to jail...again! I was sick of it. Sick of him. Sick of my life. I decided then that I probably needed church again. The very next day, I found out I was pregnant.

I tried to be happy. I loved "S" right? We would have this baby and get married. He would get out of jail and he would change his life around...right? I was certain of it. For a while, I tried to pretend like I wasn't really living in reality. I knew I was pregnant, but only a few people knew. Despite how I was living my life, I was still somewhat ashamed. Ashamed that I had allowed myself to get into such a situation. It even got to the point that I began to grieve for my baby. I would rub my belly, that wasn't even a belly yet, and cry for him or her. Cry for them that their own mother brought them into the world this way. BUT...that didn't matter. I was going to parent my child. It didn't matter if I was adopted or not and had had a great life, I was 22! I was old enough.

I couldn't tell my parents. I had to have my best friend at the time do it. I never liked disappointing them and this would be the biggest disappointment of all. They were not happy of course. In fact, my dad would not talk to me for some time. My parents were adamant about adoption, but I told them no, I was going to parent.

"S" eventually got out of jail and I desperately tried to make a relationship work. I could picture us being married and raising our baby together. I always wanted to be a mom. And now I was!! How exciting! But there was still something missing...I just couldn't put my finger on it. And later I would learn that the missing aspect in my life was prayer.

As my pregnancy progressed, it was very apparent that "S" didn't really care what I did. I wanted to get married now, he wanted to wait. Why did he want to wait?? From my experience, most guys tell you to wait because they have NO intention of marrying you. And that was exactly his intention. He would lie about missing doctors appointments, telling me he got pulled over or taken into jail just for the day. I was beginning to see through the lies. He lied about buying things for the baby and I hate to admit this, there was a time he threatened me with a weapon. I finally eventually broke myself away from him when I found out he was dating another girl. He still bugged me about the baby after that but he knew things were over between us.

When I found out I was having a boy, I was thrilled. At the time I was thrilled because I had always wanted a little boy first AND because "S" already had a daughter, so I knew he really wanted a son. I already had a name picked out and I began calling him that. But we will call him "C". I loved "C". I sang to him and was always rubbing my belly. I would play little games with him while he was in my belly. I loved it! I loved being pregnant and I loved this little boy so much! I would tell him of all the wonderful things he was going to do with his life. I couldn't wait to be his mommy!

Right around my 7th month, my mom wanted to fly me home to California for a week. I agreed to come. I was a little worried they would try and keep me there, but I put my faith in my parents that they would allow me to go back to Utah. While I was home, they asked me if I would meet with a lady named Julie from LDS Family Services. I agreed but I was very cold with her. I wasn't going to choose adoption.....what were my parents thinking!! It really got me aggravated at times. I was old enough to care for this child. I was his mother!! But my parents treated me very well during my stay and allowed me to return to Utah.

When I returned to Utah, my co-workers (I worked at Smiths), threw me a baby shower. I got so many nice things and I felt loved. I was beginning to get excited about the birth of my son. But I was also nervous because "S" either was going to be around too much or not at all, and both frightened me. After I had been back in Utah for about a month, "S" went back to jail and my parents decided that I needed to come home to have this baby. They knew I needed family to take care of me. I had taken care of my self for 8 months of my pregnancy with no support. So, I knew that I really needed to go home to have this little guy.

I was still positive on parenting when I got home to California. I finally decided to get my life right and go back to church. I wanted my son raised with the gospel. So, I went and saw dear Bishop Russell. He is such a good man. I told him my plans to parent and he asked me if I had prayed about it. I had prayed, but had I never prayed about what to do for this tiny person living inside of me. I had only prayed about what I wanted...not what God wanted. Before I even began to pray about it, confusion struck me. All of a sudden, parenting him didn't feel right anymore, but neither did adoption. I was horrified!! My baby was due soon and here I was questioning what to do with his life! I went back to my Bishop and he told me it was a choice I had to make and he couldn't do it for me. I sat there and cried and he cried with me, because my confusion was so strong. I then began to pray harder then I have ever prayed in my life. This time I promised to my Father in Heaven that I would do His will, not what I wanted, like I had been doing the entire time. I had been scared to pray before, because I didn't want to get an answer that I didn't like. But this time, I threw all that fear out the window and poured my heart out to Heavenly Father. He didn't answer me right away and I was getting somewhat desperate.

On a Saturday afternoon in July 2006, I walked into my moms room and asked, "do you think Mr. and Mrs. S would be willing to meet with me so I could talk to them about possibly adopting C?" First off, let me explain something. I have known Mr and Mrs "S" for a long time. Especially Mrs. "S". I won't say how and where, but they are family friends. At the time, they lived 6 hours away. I knew they hadn't had children in their 5 year marriage and no doctor could tell them why. My mom had mentioned them before to me, but she had always dropped it when I was so adamant about parenting. So, what provoked me that day to see if they wanted to drive 6 hours to talk to me....I don't know. I can't even remember having the thought. All I remember is walking into my moms room and those words coming out of my mouth. The next day, which was Sunday, they drove 6 hours to come and talk to me. I asked them questions about how they would raise him and if they were willing to keep the name I had given him in his name somehow. We talked about how much contact we would want and how my pregnancy had gone. But at the end, I let them know, that I still hadn't made a decision. And then they drove 6 hours home. I still didn't know what to do. I didn't get an answer while I was talking to them, which I thought I would. The following day, Monday, I went to Lowe's with my parents on an errand. I was walking around when a 801 area code showed up on my phone. 801 is the Salt Lake City area code. I thought it could be one of my friends from school. So, I answered it. It was "S". All he said was, "I'm out of jail, but I'll talk to you later," and he hung up. After being in shock from hearing from him again, I began to walk around the store. The spirit then whispered to me, "if you love this baby as much as you say you do, you won't let him live like this." I knew it then. I knew without a doubt that this little boy deserved so much more then what I had to offer. When I found my parents, I told them that I wanted Mr. and Mrs "S" to be "C's" parents. We went home and called them right away. My prayers had finally been answered. I had two weeks left until my due date and not one time did I go back on the confirmation I received. I knew that my son deserved the best from the very beginning. I wasn't going to take that chance that he MAY end up having a good life. I wanted, he IS going to have a good life.

On August 3rd, 2006 at 2:56 a.m., I gave birth to the sweetest little boy. I spent 3 beautiful days in the hospital with him. Thats all I had, was 3 days. But they are some of the sweetest moments of my life.

Choosing adoption was the hard choice. The choice that has caused me more grief and pain then I could have ever imagined. But it has also caused me the greatest peace and blessings that I can not even begin to describe. How did I do it? How was I able to place my flesh and blood into someone else's arms? I don't know. All I can say is that it was a power beyond this world. A Heavenly power that gave me the strength to do was what best for my son.

I am about to have my "first" baby with my husband, but I am already a mother. I am a true mother. A true mother would do anything for her child. She would starve, to make sure her child had something to eat. She would jump in front of a bus, so that her child would not get hit........ Or, she would unselfishly break her own heart, to make sure that her child had the best life possible, even if it is one that she could not provide. My entire pregnancy with "C", I was so set on being his mother, "I'm his mother, I have to raise him." But I was wrong. Being his mother means I need to do what was best for him, not just raise him. "C" did not ask to be born into the life I almost gave him. His trust was completely in me, that I would do the right thing for him. And as his mother, his birth mother, I know that I did just that.


Derek & Naomi said...

Wow, when I read the answer the spirit gave you it gave me chills. Your story is very very powerful and I thank you for sharing.

Jessica said...

You are such a beautiful, inspiring, and strong woman, thank you for sharing your story.

Lechelle said...

I was crying through your entire post. I love you Sierra!

TaraH said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I felt the spirit so strongly. I admire you so much! You are amazing!

Sheri said...

You already know how proud of you that I am! Love you

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

This was so beautiful, thank you for posting your story!

Didi & Jason said...

Sure sure make me cry! I'm so proud of you and your decision. I'm so glad I knew you during that time and the wonderful choices you made to turn your life around. The gospel is amamzing isn't it! I love your positive outlook on everything. You truely are inspiration to many. Love ya!

Andrea said...

Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.

The Fergy Bunch said...

Sierra, that was beautiful and inspiring. You brought tears to my eyes and I know that you are being blessed for your sacrifice. You are a special and amazing woman. Good luck with your daughter!

SustainableFamilies said...

Yes you are a true mother. The only reason I would wish different for you is that I know how much you love your son and how much he will love you. I just wish there had been another option, one that wasn't available for you at the time.

The one where you had all the emotional support, family support, and resources to give your son everything he deserved without having to lose him.

The reason I want to mention this is because, if it ever happened to my daughter I would try to help her get everything she needed to be able to parent so she didn't have to go through that much heartache.

If the support you needed wasn't there, it just plain wasn't. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I know our experiences are different (and I think the fact that I fight for social change and support improving social services and you find solace in accepting society as it is is one reason we may process it differently), but I have a feeling that we know the same pain, as I am also an adoptee that has lost a child to adoption.

I would do anything to prevent others from knowing this pain; from advocating birth control/abstinance/relationship issue awareness, to improving the level of services for women who are faced with a pregnancy and need help to become the mother their children need and resources to make sure thier child has a good life.

(If you feel that's too negative I understand, but I hope you know I mean it with great compassion. We both know a similar loss and I repect your experience even though I don't totally understand it)

Shawnanana said...

Thanks for sharing your story Sierra. I loved being able to read it. You've always been strong and spiritual to me and it was very powerful to read your experience. <3

Stephanie said...

I remember asking you about your choice while I was pregnant with Vayden. I know how different our choices were because my son was going to die and yours was going to live with another family, but like I told you, for some reason I felt like you would understand me and my choice to select comfort care for a child born with a condition incompatible with life. You gave me such a brief of your story, that I was blown away to read what I just did. And you know my feelings about you and the choice that you made have never changed. You are an amazing strong woman and in a way we are the same.

A Life Being Lived said...

Sierra I love your blog and your story. You are such a strong mom and I'm so excited for your future and for that of BOTH of your children. You are an amazing, strong, unbelieveable woman. Many in your situation would not have put their children first. Your maturity and growth through this experience is truly inspiring.

Emily said...

Sierra, I cannot describe how or what I am feeling right now. I am so very proud of you. You are truely a beautiful woman inside and out! I love so very much!!!

Lindsey Dunn said...

You are such an amazing person. What an awesome and touching story of yours. I was bawling through the whole thing. I am so glad you had such a good experince with adoption. When you are listening to the promptings and you follow them, Heavenly Father really does have such a way of blessing you. I am so happy for you and Sean and the new little bundle of love coming to such a wonderful family.

Lara said... have a way with words and they do you credit. You've beautifully portrayed the true love of every birth parent.

.From Her. said...

Hey, I just found your blog from Lindsey Redfern's post about Jayci.

I'm so grateful for brilliant minds like yours. Thank you for sharing your story. I live for these stories; it helps me to see a glimpse of the other side of adoption.