Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Still, 3 years later....

Still, after 3 years, I find myself mourning my birth son. It is the strangest thing(and not that strange at the same time). I have had answered prayers that he is where he is suppose to be, but sometimes, out of the middle of no where, I will begin to cry about it again. Tonight is one of those nights. I heard some news, which made me think of him. Then the tears. I think of him all the time, and no tears flow, but not tonight. Tonight I needed to mourn him again. I do realize this is still a part of the healing process. I think I will be healing my entire life. It is something you never get over, but it does get easier. It is just very strange when it comes on so suddenly. People probably think I'm crazy. 'How can she be so sure about her decision, yet cry about it?'(no on has ever said this to me, but I'm sure someone has thought it). Well, YOU carry a baby for nine months and place them in someone else's arms and see how quick you get over it.(sorry for the harshness, but this does need to be said to some people)

It may be the right choice, but it is not the easy one.

Honestly, I feel better now.


Lechelle said...

I'm sorry it hurts so much. You are entitled to feel every pain associated with your loss for as long as you need. I can't imagine and I am so sorry it hurts so much.

Tearful seperations now, but joyful reunions will someday come. You are sealed into the family of God, and when your birthson was sealed to his adoptive parents he was also sealed into the family of God. On this earth you are tied together biologically, but even better in the next life you have ties to each other eternally. Even though its not the same way his adoptive parents are tied to him, it isn't any less powerful or sacred. It makes me think of how we all have a special relationship with our Heavenly Mother, but your birthson will have that relationship plus a relationship with you, his birthmother.

Sierra, you are an amazing woman. I'm sure sharing your story on itsaboutlove, your blog, and the people you meet has brought many peace and understanding.

Jake & Rachel said...

No one thinks you are crazy Sierra! And I don't think any mother could think another woman would EVER get over giving up their baby. I know nothing I could say would take away the ache but know that I am hugging you from Texas.

Stephanie said...

It's amazing how I relate to you so much and how our stories are in my eyes very much the same. You place Jayden in the loving arms of another family and i placed Vayden in the loving arms of Jesus. I love to hear you talk about him, because it makes sense to me. Some womem say no it's not the same, but I get you, and you don't ever ever have to get over it, I will never ever get over losing my son. I get you.

Pip said...

Sierra I admire you so much for being not just a birthmom but an Amazing birthmom! You are entitled to all the mourning and tears you need, I think it's perfectly normal. Just because you made the right decision does NOT mean it was the easiest decision! I UNDERSTAND YOU SO MUCH! We loved our boys SO MUCH we wanted to give them the best even though it hurt us so much! I think they'll understand that someday and love us for it!
I wish I could give you a hug! :)

The Tomlinsons said...

You are amazing, Sierra. I can only imagine how hard it can be sometimes. I know how much you enjoyed your pregnancy, and I remember you telling me about how you felt like you bonded with the baby. You have every right to still be healing, and to mourn your loss. I hope someday another little one can come to you, and that time you'll get to keep him forever!

SustainableFamilies said...

Sierra, I admire you for doing something so painful out of love. (I did the same thing)

When I say that I want things to change in the future, I mean that I would like for future women who face a pregnancy and know in their hearts that they want to keep their children forever, may find the resources they need to be the amazing loving mothers they ALREADY are... only with their children in their arms.

I don't want so many loving mothers to have to cry these tears.

Because maybe, when we placed we needed to in order to give our children better lives, but maybe in the future we could create a support system for women in crisis pregnancy that want to choose life that allows them to give all that love to their children AND have the resources and education and support to parent their children well.