Sneak Peak

I have finally taken the time to take a picture of out cute little house!! It is far from done, but is looking so adorable! Our home was built in 1994 and is just under 1200 sq ft. Small, but perfect for us. 3 bedrooms 2 baths. All new tile and wood floors in the bedrooms. We are on a 7000 sq ft lot with a patio. It's looking pretty good, but we still haven't completely unpacked!! With our classes, work, and Sean's music group starting to perform, we have been pretty busy. So, here is a sneak peak of the outside. Inside pictures....to be continued...

Something is in the water!!!

And apparently I'm not drinking it, because I know at least 13 people that are pregnant right now! What?? That is insane. Normally, like 2 months ago, I probably would have cried. Not that I don't want that person to be happy but because I wanted that too. Anyone who has ever miscarried, got their period when they were "trying" or suffered with infertility understands. BUT.....i'm different now. I'm sure I'll still have the occasional melt down, but I can tell my soul is different. After messaging my good friend Rachel after my last miscarriage, she brought up the fact that I must have a very special spirit that is waiting to come to this family. And in Cancun, as I sat and pondered this, I really feel this to be true. We have a special spirit that needs to come down at a specific time.

In conference on Easter Sunday, their was a speaker (I can't remember who said it), that said, God does fulfill his promises, but in HIS time and HIS way. Man, that is a hard lesson to learn. But that's why faith is so important. And that's why I love this quote so much;

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

~Joseph F. Smith

I can tell you one thing. We are learning patience in the Kilpatrick household. And we know for a fact, when we are blessed with that special spirit, that special spirit will be EXTREMELY loved.

Cancun

Sean and I have been back from Cancun for over a week. We have been crazy busy and I haven't had time to post anything. Cancun was amazing. There is something so healing about the beach. It's healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had bronchitis the whole time we were there. I mean, I was on the verge of pneumonia! But with a blessing and getting to relax and breath in the ocean air, I did surprisingly well. This was probably the best vacation we have ever taken because we did nothing but relax all day long. Spiritually, I regained my faith in certain things. The beach really healed my soul. I got a chance to REALLY think about certain things. And emotionally, I really began to heal from past tragedies. Sean and I grew closer and our friendship deeper. He truly is an amazing man that I am blessed to call my husband. This was the smoothest trip we have ever had as well. Even with a 2:40 am flight! We flew through customs there and back. Everything went perfect....well besides my bronchitis! It was almost as if Heavenly Father was giving us some extra blessings to make our trip more enjoyable. Here are some of my favorite pictures. Enjoy!



Beautiful Resort!

Me & momma

Sean kindly leading me out into the water


The resort had a croc habitat! It's against the law to kill them, so they just cage them off.

Dancing at a really yummy restaurant.



The pools were amazing! And open 24 hours!






LOVE white sand beaches!





Beautiful pier
Beautiful greenery.

I found a swing!!!!


And I found a funny Mayan statue to mess with!

My throne!

Couches on the beach!

Waiting for our shuttle back to the airport. Ready to face reality again.

Someday

Someday.....
I will finally have all the boxes unpacked in our house.
Someday.....
Our new home will be perfect.
Someday.....
I will finally be finished with school.
Someday.....
I will lose these 10 extra pounds that seem to love my body WAY too much.
Someday.....
I will be a mother.
But as for today.....
We are going to Cancun(technically not till tomorrow though, because our flight is at 2:40 am! yuck. But we are leaving for the airport tonight). People think we are crazy for traveling so much and I have even had a few "not so nice" remarks. But until certain things change in our lives, we are going to continue to travel. And for all the envious people out there, just remember, you may have something I'm envious of too. So..that being said. ADIOS!

I won! But can I love it??

Me and 2010 are having a love/hate relationship. I'm an emotional wreck at times and other times I can't stop the over whelming feeling that I'm so blessed. In 3 short months of 2010, I have experienced good and bad on both ends. But, despite our recent loss, the blessings keep pouring in.
I am an avid reader of the r house. If you haven't been to mrs. r's blog, you must! She is an adoption advocate and has the 2 most adorable little boys. I don't know mrs. r personally, but I have cried and laughed right along with her as she experienced the ups and downs of adoption. . Mrs. r and some friends make beautiful adoption jewelry. I have wanted one of her necklaces so bad, but funds were tight with the whole house going through. She posted a giveaway for one of her necklaces.She told of how her family motto for 2009 was "come what may". That's difficult in itself. Can I really just accept everything that is coming my way? Her new motto for 2010 is "come what may and love it". That's even harder. Accepting is one thing, but loving it? I don't know.
So, in her giveaway, she asked what part people were at in their lives. The "come what may" or the "come what may and love it". I entered that I was just in the "come what may." Well.....I WON!!! I don't hardly ever win anything. I am so excited. Mrs. r is going to send me this beautiful necklace.
And when I'm ready to love it, she will send me this one.


Thank you again mrs. r for truly making my week. I have accepted my situation. I have grieved the loss of 3 babies.(yes one is still very well alive and breathing, but I still grieved) But I do not love my situation. I'm hoping this necklace can give me some kind of super power. Super power to fight off tears when I see a pregnant lady or a baby. Fight off the negativeness that sometimes creeps in. This necklace is another blessing in my life. It may seem nonchalant to the rest of the world, but to me, it's special and I will forever treasure it. And I hope one day, I can learn to love it.

Trials and Blessings

The last week has been obviously hard. Our baby dreams were shattered once again. And, my body decided that it wanted to attack me. I have a sinus infection and a bladder infection. My sinus infection is so bad, I will be on antibiotics for 3 weeks. I jokingly told my doctor yesterday that I should be patient of the year and have my picture on the wall.

Since my ob/gyn won't test me till I've had 3 miscarriages in a row, I'm taking this into my own hands. I have hypothyroidism, which can lead to fertility problems. So, when I saw my endocrinologist yesterday, I mentioned my miscarriage. He said that the miscarriages could be a result of my endocrine system, so he's going to test my estrogen, progesterone, and all the other things that could cause a miscarriage.

Then I went to my wonderful allergist for an allergy shot. He squeezed me in, even though I didn't have an appointment because I was having horrible sinus headaches, and yup, another sinus infection. He x-rayed me and one of my sinus is completely blocked. Lovely right? So, he's worried that I may have an Immune Deficiency Disorder because I get so many sinus infections and sometimes antibiotics don't work. He said that this disorder could cause you to miscarry. So, he tested me for that, and I'll find out about it in a week. So, I'm taking things into my own hands. If all my testing comes back fine, then we'll just go from there.

So, despite the loss of another baby, sickness and getting poked with a lot of needles,

SEAN AND I ARE HOMEOWNERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm just a little excited! Things have been hard, but I have to remember that we are still so blessed. This home was so meant for us. One Sunday, I felt as though we should pay more fast offerings, so we did. A week later, an LDS realtor, Jon Silva, that my parents have used, emailed Sean that he wanted to help us find a house. (We had been going through another lady). So, we met with Jon 2 days later. We thought it was just going to be a meeting, but he had 5 houses to show us. We saw one and felt kinda of good about it. But then we saw OUR home. We felt the Spirit pretty quick and knew we wanted to make an offer. So, we did and the bank counter offered the next day! Jon was shocked because banks usually don't counter offer until they have many offers. Everything went smoothly and we had zero issues. We got the keys on Friday and we are having some cosmetic work done on it before we move in. I will post pictures soon of our first home!

I am quite aware that in the mist of tragedy, the Lord will still bless you.

I know it's late but....

Happy Belated Birthday to my mother in law Pam (her birthday is Valentines Day)! You have been a great mommy in law to me and I look forward to many MANY more year with you.

And Happy Belated Valenitnes Day. I'm so blessed to have Sean as a husband. This year was the worst Valenitnes yet. Are you confused yet? I have the best husband, yet I had the worst Valentines Day? This is pretty personal and I wasn't going to share, but maybe my story can help someone else.

Sean and I have suffered another miscarriage. This one was earlier then the last one, but still emotionally painful. I started bleeding at church, so Sean took me to Urgent Care, which was horrilbe( we were there for 5 hours). But despite being the worst Valentines ever, I have the best husband who loves me more then anything and is so wonderful and supportive. We are trying to have faith that our time will come soon. And we are hoping for a better Valentines Day next year.

There is nothing better than a man you can lean on.

NOTE TO ALL MY BLOG READERS

So whoever keeps posting weird comments under anonymous on my blog, you have now been blocked. No more anonymous comments. I don't mind keeping my blog open for blog stalking and adoption information. But I do mind when people leave degrading or weird comments. This is NOT a political, educational, business, blog. It's MY personal blog! I don't mind sharing my experiences with people, but because of all the weird comments I've been getting, I now have taken my nieces and nephews off my blog. One day I will make it private, but today is not the day. SOOOO...that being said, I don't mind strangers reading my blog because they find some information interesting, but no more weird comments. It's freaking me out!

Poetry and Grief

Grief is a part of being a birth mother. I went through all the stages of grief. While I was in my darkest hours, something that helped was writing poetry. To this day, if I read a poem I wrote during that time, I break down. Because I all to clearly, remember the grief behind it. While going through our filing cabinet today, I decided to look through our folder labeled "adoption", which contains my relinquishment papers, cards from friends, adoption pamphlets and some of my poetry. My first mothers day after "J" was born, was particularly hard. I called "J"s mom just to see how he was doing. Of course his mom was so sweet and understanding. Well, apparently I wrote "J"s mom a mothers day poem that first mothers day, but I never sent it to her! It was a rough draft that I wrote and I don't know why I didn't send it, but I wanted to share it with you.

We are two different women
Living miles apart
but the same little boy
stole our heart.
You were praying for a child
the chance to be called mother.
I was praying for an answer
if to give my child to another.
Now you are a mommy
on your first Mothers Day.
Now I am a birth mom
and will celebrate in a different way.
We are both mommy's
to our little boy
Being two different mommy's
Brings us both great joy.
For you will raise him in your home
with such great love and care.
I will raise him in my heart
For he will forever reside there.
As we celebrate, our first Mothers Day,
We can both thank motherhood
for helping us find our way.

El Nino.....HA!

A little rain never scared me! So, when Olia called and thought that we needed a trip to Disneyland, I agreed, rain or shine! We decided Martin Luther King Day was perfect. It's never packed on that day, since only federal and school employees have it off, plus the forecast made it even better. Raining cats and dogs was an understatement. But never the less, we went, walked on practically every ride, and had a great time!


Enlarge this picture and you can get a picture of how hard it was raining. Can you see me and Olia??



Sean was a bad boy, and this was the outcome of his behavior.

Tom was also bad and therefore.....doomed!


After the rain stopped, and our clothes went from drenched to damp, Olia and I decided that we needed to go on Splash Mountain. Of course they put us in the front. And of course, we got drenched again! Great fun!