Sean & Sierra

A half decade as a birth mom

2011-08-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

"C"'s birthday was this last Wednesday, August 3rd. He turned 5 years old!! I can't believe I've been a birth mom for half a decade. It really seems impossible.
I REALLY wanted to blog on his birthday. But I started training last week for work. It is to prepare us for the new school year, which starts tomorrow.
Getting back into the swing of leaving Brielle and going to work was hard this last week, so I just could not find the time to post.

The last 5 years have been quite a roller coaster, with ups and downs. But as I look back, I can honestly say that I'm proud of the things that I've done in the last half of a decade. (please don't think I'm being vain or boastful). The first year was the best and the hardest. The best, because I met Sean. I met Sean 3 days before I was due! But we started "officially" dating when "C" was 2 1/2 months old. But that first year was also the hardest because I grieved hard. I'm the kind of person that grieves right away. I don't deny my feelings, I let them come. I've said this before, but grief and I have a pretty good relationship. (Does that sound bad?) I allowed it to come and it came hard, but I think doing that made me stronger in the end.

So what am I so proud of doing in the last 5 years you might ask?

-I met the love of my life. Seriously....I have THE best husband ever. THAT I can brag about! ;) We got married and sealed in the temple. So beautiful. Our relationship has become so strong in the last 5 years. I have spent MANY hours crying on Sean's shoulder, especially in the beginning. He always let me cry and always let me talk about "C" and the adoption as long as I wanted. I believe that Heavenly Father saves the best of men for birth moms. We need a very special guy to take care of us. And just to brag a little more, Sean proposed to me on "C"'s first birthday because he knew it would be a tough day. He wanted to make it special for me. I'm such a lucky girl.

-I have been apart of so much in the adoption world! More then I ever dreamed! Besides this blog, I'm on the LDSFS adoption website, www.itsaboutlove.org. I've participated in birth mom panels, spoke to church leaders, had birth mom groups, was on a special program in between conferences this last April. Heavenly Father has blessed my life so much in allowing me to share my story.

-I met my own birth mother soon after I placed "C"! It has been so wonderful to talk to her and to share this experience with her.

-I went back to school!! I dropped out right after I had "C" but went back 2 years ago. Two classes away from my bachelors!!

-We bought our first home! We have LOVED being homeowners. It is such a fulfilling feeling to own your home.

-I lost 2 babies. I firmly believe that I will see those children again. I never thought I could get through a pregnancy loss after placing "C", but Heavenly Father knew I was strong enough. He got me through it and comforted me as I mourned.

-We had a "surprise" in Cancun Mexico last March and conceived our beautiful and sweet baby girl, Brielle. She has been the joy of our lives. We are so blessed to be her parents. She went from being a sweet little newborn to a vivacious 7 1/2 month old who has so much personality. She is full of life and brings Sean and I the greatest happiness.

-And last but not least, I have spent the last 5 years getting pictures and letters of my "C" and I have watched him grow. He went from a very special newborn, to a HUGE and intelligent little boy. I had a special opportunity of seeing "C" when he was 4 days old, 2 weeks old and then 4 1/2 months old. I have not seen him since then. But I have been apart of him growing up. I have watched him grow and mature through pictures and seen him learn new things through letters. What an incredible 5 years this had been. I have learned so much and been so incredibly blessed. I went from a confused and scared pregnant girl, to a blessed and grateful birth mom. I hope the next 5 years will teach me even more and make my life as a birth mom even better.

Even though "C" is a big boy now, he will always be my "baby" that I held in the hospital 5 years ago. And he will FOREVER has a special place in my heart, right along side Brielle.

Now come with my on a journey through pictures of the last 5 years!!

Me and my girlfriend Jess used to have this tradition of taking pictures at this place in the mall everytime I came home from college. We couldnt let a little belly get in the way! I was due later on in the week.

My mom and I on my due date, which was July 29th.

About to burst!! My water had just broke...on our way to the hospital.

Monitering my contractions.

He's here! Thats my doctor, Dr. Baker. She also delivered Brielle! How awesome is that?! She is so great!

Holding my "C" for the first time.

Enjoying some time with "C" in the hospital.

Giving him lots of love.

Leaving the hospital.

Seeing "C" at 4 days.

Giving him love at 2 weeks.

And the last time I saw him, 4 almost 5 months.

I met the love of my life on July 26th, 2006. Began "officially" dating him on November 19th, 2006. We were so in love right from the start.

I met my own birth mom! This was the "first" time we met in person. I say "first" because we really first met when I was born! ;)

Married the love of my life on November 2nd 2007 and was sealed to him in the LA temple.

Bought our first home!

Found out we were expecting a beautiful baby girl!

Met that beautiful baby girl on December 18th, 2011 after only 3 hours of labor! She couldn't wait to be here!

She was the best Christmas gift we could ask for. (1 week old)

And our vivacious and beautiful 7 month old

She is such a goof.

And she is so beautiful.

Thanks for coming with me on this journey. I hope you are around to check out the next 5 years and see where my journey as a birth mom takes me!

What not to say to a birth mom or adoptee

2011-07-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

(This is solely my opinion. The things that I have experienced in no way reflect EVERY birth mother or adoptee)

I've seen a few blogs recently that have talked about the do's and don't's of what to say to someone who has had a pregnancy loss. Having experienced 2 pregnancy losses myself, I could totally relate to the horrible things that people say to you. My favorite remark that was made to me after I lost my first baby at 11 weeks was, "maybe next time you'll be more careful." Yes, someone actually said that to me. It took all the morals and values I had to not slap the girl (luckily she is no longer in my life).

As you can see, there are many horrible things you can say when a person is struggling, but there are also things you can say that you may not even realize are inappropriate.

So, I wanted to talk (or blog) about the things NOT to say to a birth mother AND an adoptee and appropriate adoption language.

What not to ask or say to a birth mom
First, the biggest mistake I often hear in adoption talk is "giving a baby up for adoption." I know this a common mistake. I've said it too....and I'm a birth mom AND an adoptee!! The reason this phrase is such a stab in the heart to most birth moms is because it kind of sounds like we just gave our baby away because we didn't want him or her. Which is entirely untrue! In the adoption world, we use the term "place". I placed my birth son for adoption. This phrase is much more loving and just sounds better. We placed our baby in the arms of their parents. We placed them in a good home. Placing your baby for adoption sounds much better sounds much better then giving your baby up for adoption.

"Birth moms are just lazy."
Someone I know thought this of birth moms before they met me. He said he thought this because he thought they just didn't want the responsibility of taking care of a child. As a mother and a birth mother, I can tell you being a birth mother is MUCH more difficult. The emotions you feel far outweigh the stresses and struggles of parenthood. Choosing to be a birth mom is choosing the more difficult path and the "non-lazy" one. I hope not many people think this, but if you do, DON'T say it to a birth mom. Go talk to one so she can change your mind!

"So, did you not want your baby?"
Yes, people actually ask this. I know for many people, they really can not comprehend why I, or any other birth mother, would allow someone else to raise their child. The reasons are usually very personal. And 100% of the birth moms that I have met all WANTED their children, but for their personal and very emotional reasons, chose adoption for their baby. So, please do ask such a hard and hurtful question.

"Do you think your birth son will be mad at your for what you did?"
Why would he be mad? I didn't have my life in order when he was born. I wanted him to have a mom and a dad from the start. I wanted him to have an eternal family. I wanted his life to be full of WILL's not MAYBE's. This question is to try and make a birth mom feel bad because you are saying that her birth child will be angry with her for choosing adoption. I know every adoption is different, but in my own and in the case of my brothers, we are NOT angry at our birth mothers. We are actually very grateful for them.

"Can you get your baby back?"
I hate to think that people really don't understand what adoption is, but I guess they don't. Adoption is much different then foster care. In the foster care system, most children were taken OUT of the home due to a the parents not doing what was best for their child. Yes, they can get their children back after they get things in order and clean up their life. But adoption is different. An expectant parent chooses a family for their child and when that child is born, the birth mother then signs ALL her rights away to the new parents. It varies by state, but usually the birth mother only has a limited amount of time to change her mind (in California it's 24 hours). I just don't think this question should be ask of ANY birth mother. The choice she made was not easy and a question like this may only rise up painful feelings.

Things not to ask or say to an adoptee
"Do you know your real parents?"
Why yes I do. Parley and Earlene, the two that have raised me since I was just hours old. Yes...I know them quite well thank you.
While I LOVE my birth mother, she is just that, my birth mother. My mom is the woman that raised me, my adoptive mother. So, to ask an adoptee if they know their real parents is thoughtless and can be hurtful. Many adoptees don't even know their birth parents. All they have ever known is their adoptive parents, their REAL parents.

"You know your birth mom didn't love you."
Yes, someone said that to me once. Don't worry...it was in someone online, a LONG time ago. But I think a comment like this is completely horrible and heartless. Yes my birth mother loved me. That's why she chose life for me and gave me a wonderful family. Someone who didn't love me wouldn't have giving me the life I have.

"All adopted kids are messed up."
I have heard that my siblings and I are the exception to this rule. Because someone knows ONE family who has ONE adopted kid that has some problems, then ALL adopted kids are messed up right? Tell me how many families you know who have biological kids who are "messed up"? I know plenty! So, I don't think there is any merit to this comment. The kid maybe would have had problems if he/she wasn't adopted. Maybe that's just in their personality. And sometimes when children are adopted at an older age and have experienced horrible things, then yes, they may have some problems. But to categorize all adoptees into being "messed up" is wrong and hurtful.

My LEAST favorite saying on the entire planet, "blood is thicker then water." I have heard this comment hundreds of times throughout my life. And I think it's entirely untrue. When I would hear people say this I would think, "but wait, I'm very close to my family and I'm not blood related to any of them, so this doesn't make sense." And the saying REALLY doesn't make sense if you think about it.
Besides your parents, siblings and children, who is the one person you will be closest to in this life and will grown old with; your spouse. I LOVE Sean. My bond with him is tighter then anyone else on this planet and I am NOT blood related to him.

There are many more questions and comments I could post but then this post would be a mile long. So, just remember when speaking to an adoptee or birth mom, it's OK to ask questions. I'm an open book! But be sensitive. I know you are curious but maybe the adoptee or birth mom is not ready to answer certain questions. Let certain things stay personal. And if the adoptee or birth mom chooses to share, then they will. But just remember, in the end, we are all Heavenly Fathers children and he's "placed us all" on this earth to take care of each other until we can return to Him.

You like?

2011-07-11T21:44:00.001-07:00

This is my new hair? You like? Well I LOVE it! Its a light caramel brown. And some of the blonde highlights show through.

This is a gorgeous sunset and my even MORE gorgeous daughter. You like? No YOU LOVE it!!

And this my hot husband and once again my gorgeous daughter. You like? Well...its ok if you ONLY like Sean and not love. Leave the lovin to me! ;)

I need a break.....

2011-07-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

From work that is! And I got one!
Woohoo!
School is out officially (I work summer school the month of June) and now I'm officially off for the next month (well alittle more then 3 weeks now because the first week is almost over). I love this time of year and now I love it even more because I get to spend it with my wonderful family.

We have lots of things planned for this month off and that makes it go by pretty quickly, which is a bummer, but I'm glad we are getting to do things.

And the most important thing.........I get to spend a month with Brielle.

I have had a few people tell me that I'm lucky I'm a working mom because I get a break from my kid. First off, I know how blessed I am to have a job. There are so many out there that don't and I thank my Father in Heaven often for blessing me with a good job. But really....I don't believe my job is a break from Brielle.

Let me explain a little something about the work I do.

I am a paraeducator. We are essentially a care giver to special needs students but we also throw in some goals for them to work on. I work in the 2nd to lowest class. My day is filled with potty trips, which include changing diapers (so baby poop is nothing to me), wiping drool, dealing with seizures,doing the heimlich (which I just did on a student during summer school), pushing wheelchairs, restraining the more violent students, chasing after kids and cleaning up messes. I have been spit on, hit,slapped, scratched, punched, kicked and drooled on (Sean has actually been bit AND thrown up on...I have not had those luxuries yet). We take the kids on trips once a week, which involves lots of planning and making sure no on gets hurt, lost and that we are prepared for possible seizures and other health problems. I love my job. I really do. If I HAVE to work, I'm glad it is with these wonderful kids. I usually come home exhausted, even before I had Brielle. You really put all your energy into these kids. So, when people tell me it's nice that I get a break from Brielle, I just laugh. Because it is not a break. Doing what I do has made parenting seem like a breeze.

BUT...like with anything (work, parenting, marriage) things that are worth it take work. Even though my job can be exhausting, I choose for it to be "good" work and not "bad" work. Its all in your attitude. I get beat up some days.....like LITERALLY! But I still laugh about it and just put it into my "good stories" catagory of life.
Sean and I choose to see parenting the same way. We know there are sleepless nights (we've experienced them!)But we choose to have view parenting as "good" work. I don't need a break from my daughter (I think "me" time is differnt then a break). In the almost 4 years I've been married to Sean, which 3 I've worked with him at the same school, I've NEVER needed a break from him. Yes marriage is work, but it's "good" work.

So, even though I view my work as "good" work, it's the only thing I need a break from. Not my husband or my daughter. They are my joy and my best friends. So if you tell me I'm lucky to be a working mom because I get a break from my daughter and I laugh at you, please don't take offense. It's just silly to me that I would enjoy work more then being a mom. Because even though I do enjoy my "work kids", NO job is as great as being a mommy.

/ My beautiful fourth of July baby! She was so tired but was being such a good sport during our photo shoot.

A 4th of July tea party! And in case you thought I looked differnt, I put some highlights in my hair. I'm actually planning on going a little lighter very soon!

Dear Daddy.....

2011-06-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Daddy,
I may only be 6 months old, but I can already feel how much you love me......

That was the start to Brielle's fathers day card to Sean. Let just say the rest made Sean cry. Brielle and I also made Sean a DVD, which showed her first 6 months of life with her daddy, which also made him cry.

I am so grateful for my wonderful husband. He turned out to be the BEST father. I think growing up with a single mom somehow made him more appreciative towards women, motherhood and helping out. He truly is amazing. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father put us on the same path so that we could meet. And I'm so grateful that Brielle chose him as her daddy.....she's one lucky girl!!

This is how Brielle spent her 1/2 birthday this last Saturday! Poor thing! She was so tired! We went to a birthday party and I really thought she was going to have a melt down because she had not taken a nap. But she just feel asleep in daddy's arms...sitting up (she loves her daddy)!

Brielle had her 6 month check up today.

Brielle's 6 month stats
weight: 17 lbs 6 oz (75%)
height: 26 1/4 in (75%)
head: 17 (60%)
She is one healthy girl!

Brielle's 6 month milestones;
* She now can sit up. Before, it was only a few minutes and now she can go about 10 minutes.
* She has her 2 bottom teeth! I really had no idea her teeth were coming in (besides the drool). She was acting perfectly fine and happy. A few nights, she wwould whimper and cry in her sleep but I just thought it could be a growth spurt or a bad dream. Well, one day I stuck my finger in her mouth for her to chomp on and there it was! And just a few days ago, Sean discovered the other one. She has been such a trooper! I was not expecting such a pleasant teething experience.
* She still LOVES to growl! How did she learn this?? I have no clue.
* She loves to smile with her whole body. (You know....kinda seizure like)
* She has not started solids yet. I talked to the doctor and I'm going to wait just a little while longer.
* She loves to pull things over her face! Pillows, blankets, toys....whatever she can grab that will go over her face. Of course I don't let the object stay there. It's just funny that she enjoys this.
* We have the loud baby!! Not the "unhappy" loud baby, but the "I'm so happy I just gotta squeal" loud, or the "I just learned I can make this sound" loud. Its so funny!! Sean and I were talking through home depot last week and Brielle was just singing and talking away....REALLY loudly! People kept staring at us and Sean and I were just laughing!
* Brielle loves loves LOVES her daddy. The are a match made in heaven.

Sean and I are really enjoying being parents. We can not believe that these last 6 months have flown by so quickly. I hope the next 6 don't go by as fast.

Mom vs Birth Mom

2011-06-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

I have not yet been asked the question, "is being a birth mom different then being a mom?" I'm actually quite surprised. Maybe people think I don't want to talk about the adoption anymore (not true!). Or maybe people really just have not thought about it. But I have.

So, what is the difference you may ask? Well, there is the obvious. Mom = raising a baby. Birth mom = no baby. But there is so much more to it then that.

When Brielle was first born, I was happy! But I had this extremely strange feeling that over took me in the hours after she was born. I'm sure it had a lot to do with exhaustion and hormones but I know that it was more then that. I watched Sean as he talked and loved on our new baby. What was wrong with me? I didn't really want to express this strange feeling with Sean because he was so happy!

As the day turned to night and Sean finally fell asleep in a little bed next to me. I began to stare at this little girl and ask myself, "why am I feeling this way?" As I had these thoughts, a little baby's face came into my mind. It was a little boy instead of a little girl. It was C. The last time I had been at the hospital to have a baby, it was not a joyful experience. As I'm laying there holding Brielle, with C's face in my mind, I began to weep. They were tears of sadness.

I missed C. I missed the newborn baby that I had held at the same hospital 4 1/2 years earlier. I missed his baby smell and baby sounds. I missed him.

As the tears slowed, something began to happen. The strange feeling started to go away. I looked at Brielle and my heart began to swell! I realized then why I was so hesitant at first. I was afraid I was going to replace C with Brielle. There is no replacement for C. I think any mother who loses a child feels the same. You can not replace one child with another. I had to figure that out and sort out my feelings. Brielle and C both have my heart, but separate parts. All my children will have their own parts.

So here I am, trying to find my place as a mother and birth mother. Two different titles. Two entirely different roles. At times its tough. I don't ever want to forget about C. But I also want Brielle to always know how special she is to me. And though I'm sure at times, both roles will be very difficult, I know that Heavenly Father will be there to get me through those tough times.

While both being a mom and a birth mom are both entirely different, they are two roles that I will take on with full force and love. I LOVE the fact that I am Brielle's mommy. I love that I get to cuddle her and nurture her and watch her grow. I also LOVE that I'm C's birth mommy. I love that I gave him life. I love that I gave him a family. I love that even though it was hard, I put his needs above my wants. I love that I get to watch him grow and be nurtured through pictures and letters that his parents send me. I love what I have learned in being both a birth mom and a mom. I love that being a birth mom has made me a better mom.

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me. He has blessed me so much in both of my roles. And in order to repay my Father in Heaven, I will continue to try and be the best mom AND birth mom. Because in the end, there really is no competition between the two.

I'm such a bad blogger

2011-06-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've been so bad at blogging lately. Really it's because when I get home from work, I just want to spend all my time with Brielle and blogger is the last thing on my mind. (If it wasn't for the internet on my phone, I probably wouldn't be on facebook either.)

Life has been extrememly caotic! (but when is it not!)

Brielle is 5 1/2, almost 6 months!! Here are some interesting facts about her in her 5 month!

* She is a tumbleweed!! She roles all over the place!
* Tummy time is getting better! She doesn't despise it as much, but still does sometimes.
* She loves to go out and about and she ESPECIALLY loves when she's in her stroller facing the world. She likes to look at everything.
* She is a grabber! She grabs everything! And most times, whatever she grabs makes it to her mouth.
* She is really becoming a momma's girl(which i love). She is really good and will go to anyone, but if she is tired, she only wants me! =)
* She is still nursing great! I planned to nurse her a year but I think i'm going to try 18-24 monts! Better for her anyways!
* She loves getting her ears cleaned! She'll be all wiggly but the second I start cleaning her ears, she gets calm.
* She is a spaz!! She will go super hyper and giggly! It is so funny to watch!
* We think her teeth may be starting to come in because she is chomping pretty hard on our hands but we haven't seen any teeth yet.
* She still has TEENY TINY feet! I could probably still squeeze her in newborn shoes, but I don't and she still wears size 1.
* She has the biggest thighs ever! I just want to eat them!!
* She is learning to make some pretty funny noises!
* She is a screamer! A happy screamer! Its pretty funny when she does it in church.
* Her hair is gettng a teeny tiny bit longer....but I really only think I can tell.

About a month back, we had family pictures taken. Sean and I took them with the great camera he got me last year. It was the first time my family had been together in 2 years! It was so great to see everyone! Here are some pictures of that and of my sweet daughter! Isn't she a beauty!!

Our little girl is growing up!

2011-04-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

Brielle is already 4 months! She will actually be 4 1/2 this next Monday, so I figured that I better blog about her 4th month before she turns 5 months!
Brielle is still such a joy!! I LOVE being her mommy! We were definitely made for each other!

4 month stats
Weight: 14 lbs 8 oz (75%)
Height: 25 inches (75%)
Head circumference: 16 in (60%)

Interesting facts about Brielle:
* She just rolled over for the first time a week ago! YAY! She's only done it a couple of times since.
* She recently found her feet and even more recently, her feet found her mouth!
* She HATES tummy time! I mean loathes it. I always feel so bad making her do it. As soon as we flip her over, she's all smiles again.
* She has this fake cry that makes her look Chinese! And even the sound she makes sounds Chinese! Its so funny and Sean and I can't help but laugh when she does this. (Sean is 25% Chinese 75% black, so she does have a little bit of Chinese in her.)
* She makes all sorts of sounds. She loves the sound of her voice and she even growls! One time she growled and scared a lady in Walmart! So funny!
* She loves when Sean talks "gansta" to her. She'll laugh and laugh. Sean says the black in her likes it. haha.
* She loves to be tickled.
* She will just look at me sometimes and just bust up laughing. I gotta wonder...am I really that funny or is she laughing AT me?
* She takes a lot of short naps, (30 min-1 hour) all throughout the day UNLESS we are traveling or running errands. If we are traveling or running errands, she will fall asleep for a LONG time. She slept all 6 hours to and from Utah and to and from San Diego. If I put her in her carrier, she will knock out in a matter of minutes. I think it's because I was working and so active when I was pregnant so the motion puts her to sleep.
* She goes to bed between 9 and 9:30. I know that seems late, but due to me working, I want her to sleep when I sleep.
* As long as I'm asleep, she'll stay asleep.
* She "snacks" all day long, so she still nurses pretty frequently, (except at night). But I really don't mind it at all. I'm away from her for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week....she can nurse all she wants!
* She LOVES to stand! I think she'll be an early walker.
* She has no interest in most of her toys. She would rather watch me and Sean or listen to herself talk.
* She is drooling like CRAZY! Maybe some teeth soon?
* She LOVES her Binky! And she loves sucking on her hand....but she hasn't found her thumb yet.
* She loves when I sing her the ABC's and gets the biggest gummy grin when I do.
* She loves to make funny faces.
* She smiles a lot but you would never know from pictures. It's REALLY hard to get a picture of her smiling because once she sees the camera, she just stares at it.
* She seems to be getting more bald every day, but we are not worried about it. I love her little bald head. Sean and I were both bald and when our hair finally came in, we both had a TON.
* Everywhere we go, people tell us she looks like a doll....and I agree!!

Beautiful Easter dress on a beautiful girl!

There is the little spazzy smile that I love so much!

Checkin out her Easter basket.

Yes, Brielle is a Laker fan too!

YUM! Toes taste good!

Mommy reading the book she got from the Easter bunny.

This little girl is so much fun. I still hate leaving her everyday, but going to work is getting easier. Heavenly Father has truly answered my prayers in giving me peace while I'm still working. And I've learned such a great lesson and that's to cherish every second I have with this sweet beautiful daughter of mine.

I'm a famous birth mom....kinda!

2011-04-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

About 3 weeks ago, at the beginning of my Spring Break, I got a call from my wonderful social worker, Julie. Julie is retiring in September, which makes me incredibly sad, because I have LOVED working with her! She called me and said that some higher ups in our church, (the LDS church, or AKA "Mormon Church"), had picked her office (called LDS Family Services, which I used in the adoption of "C"), to do a special on. The special was going to talk about the services that LDS family Services provides. Well, Julie picked me to be the birth mom who spoke in it! This special was to air in between General Conference. General Conference is something that happens twice a year where our church leaders speak to us in a televised "conference". The whole world gets to see our prophet and his apostles speak to all the members all over the world. Its pretty awesome! Anyways, this special was going to air in between the 2 conference sessions! Well, they never told me it would only air in Utah. So here we were in California waiting for it to air...and nope. I had people texting me from Utah saying they saw me and my aunt called as well. But we never saw me! I was so disappointed! They filmed me in L.A., so you would think they would at least air it here. BUT....we did find it online. The whole thing was an hour but I'm in segment 3. The whole thing is great but if you just want to see me, it starts about 3:49 in segment 3! Sorry I have to take you to the actual website. It wouldn't let me post just the video.

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

I'm so grateful for all the opportunities our Father in Heaven has given to me to be an advocate for adoption and for other birth moms. He has truly blessed me. If you would like to learn more about what I believe, visit http://www.mormon.org/

Latest happenings.

2011-04-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

SOOOO many things have happened in the last month and I kept wanting to blog, but just never got around to it. First off, Brielle had her blessing day on March 6th! She looked beautiful and her daddy gave her a wonderful blessing. Brielle turned 3 months! (even though she's 3 1/2 now.) I really can not stand her growing up. Its making me quite sad. Last we weighed her, she was about 13lbs. She smiles a TON and giggles! When we were in the car recently, I was in the back with her and she was looking at me and started laughing. That got me laughing. So there we were...nothing to laugh about...but Brielle and I were both cracking up! Love moments like that! She is the best baby. She's only upset if something is wrong.....which is only hungry and sleepy. Once you fix those...she's a happy girl. She loves when I sing to her and loves to be tickled. She has been such an amazing sleeper since I've gone back to work. She wasn't a bad sleeper before...but she woke up often when I was still home. She sleeps pretty good through the night now. Waking up either once or not at all. LOVE HER! We took Brielle on her first vacation! We went to Carlsbad for Spring Break this year. We had a nice relaxing time...even though it was raining! She had fun and my mom loved having her every day....and so did I! She went to Sea World for the first time and we just relaxed. I got sick again for spring break. Remember last year when I was in Cancun and got bronchitis? Well this year it was a sinus infection. Goody....i actually still have it...but thats a whole different post. I'm slowly getting into the routine of Brielle, work and school. Slowly but surely. I have many more things to blog about in the next week...so stay tuned!
Brielle looking all beautiful in her blessing dress.

Our beautiful family.

Brielle's blessing day. March 6th 2011.

LOVE the spaz smile...its my fav!!

She is just to darn adorable. I can't stand it!

My family at Sea World

Mommy and Daddy

My two favorite people

I love Brielle's face in this one. Especially because we were in the shark encounter and I love how uncertain she looks.

Daddy and Brielle got to hang out all day at Sea World!

Brielle's first time at the beach. It was nice...but no not enough to get in the water.

this too shall pass.............

2011-03-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite phrase when things are not going the way I want. When I'm sick, I chant this to myself. When I was in labor and it was decided that I wasn't going to get an epidural, I was chanting it then. It really helps me get through a hard situation by telling myself that it won't last forever.

I'm depressed right now. Don't worry and don't go calling in a prescription for anti-depressants. Let me explain something. Before Brielle was born, work was exhausting. And not just physically, but mentally as well. For those that don't know, I work with severe special needs students at a high school. I really do love them all and they all hold a special place in my heart. But my job is no easy task. I'm talking, changing, feeding, restraining and taking care of these kids who are the size of adults! I used to come home wiped out and it was all I could do to get my homework done. But I loved my job. Fast forward to now. Brielle is added to that picture. As much as I love my job, there is something(Brielle) I love WAY more and I'd much rather be taking care of her. It's hard to find balance when I come home because all I want to do is snuggle and spend time with her but there is homework and housework to be done! I wake up at 5 am and sometimes a little earlier depending on when Brielle wants to eat. And I now find myself doing laundry at 5:30 in the morning or cleaning a bathroom.
The point of this post is not just to hear me complain (and I'm sorry because I hate complaining). My point is, despite how much I DESPISE going to work (I actually almost cried a few times because I didn't want to be there), I know this is just a short season in my life. The only hard part for me is I want this season to be over with, but I don't want Brielle to get any bigger. See my dilemma? I KNOW I will look back on this time in my life and realize how much stronger it made me (even though I don't feel that way now). I KNOW that one day, I'll be able to stay home with Brielle and my future children (really wish that was right now). Until then, I will just have to keep chanting....."this too shall pass."

p.s. all the colorful words were making me feel better, that's why there are so many. =)

Craziness!

2011-02-19T14:42:00.000-08:00

Life has been CRAZY!! Last week, we took Brielle on her first road trip to Utah. My great aunt passed, so we went up to Saint George for the funeral. It was really great to see family and for Brielle to meet her great grandma! Brielle even got to meet my birth mom Emily. It was a good trip. Even though we made the trip in 2 days!

Brielle had her 2 month check up yesterday. Can you believe she's 2 months?! I can't! She's 11 lbs 13 oz and 24 inches! She's getting so big! She got her shots. She was not a happy girl. But she survived and today was back to her sweet self.

Sad news in our lives, I had to return to work. =( Definitely something I wasn't looking forward too. I prayed and prayed to find a way to stay home, but we just know that me going back to work is just something that I have to do right now. I survived my first week back. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I could tell the adversary was trying to make me feel horrible and was putting negative thoughts in my head (even after prayers for peace and a blessing). But I recognized what he was doing pretty quickly and decided I wasn't going to let him do that to me. And sweet little Brielle decided she was going to help me out by sleeping practically through the night since I went back. I say practically cause twice she woke up to eat at like 4:45 and my alarm goes off at 5. She is such a little angel! So, we are just trying to get in the swing of things. Work is EXTREMELY exhausting, even before a baby. So now I'm trying to adjust working a tiring job, being in school and taking care of my sweet baby. I know that we will all adjust to my new schedule. And I know someday I will be done with school and get to stay home with my sweet babies. I can not WAIT for that day!!

Meeting her cousin Jake. He is one month older.

We got to see my birth mom Emily!

She is such a little charmer!!

4 generations!

Such a little doll!

LOVE her smile. It seriously melts my heart!

Our little family

Visiting my grandpas grave.

My LONG journey to graduation!

2011-02-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

Utah State University is located in Logan Utah. If you haven't been there, I highly recommend it in the fall! Simply gorgeous! This is MY university! I first started at this school in August of 2002 (doesn't that seem like forever ago??). I have now been attending USU for almost 10 years!! (with a 2 year break from 2006-2008). Well, I am finally getting close to the end of my USU journey. For the best 2 years, I have been taking classes online through USU. I now only have 3 classes left! (insert squeal here!!) I wish I could take all 3 now and be finished. But, when I was pregnant with "C", I didn't do very good in school. So, when I re-enrolled, I had to promise the school that I would get nothing lower then a C. The lowest grade I've received in the past 2 years is a B+. So, since I'm a new mom, I'm taking one class at a time now, except for a math class at AVC. I'm hoping to have my degree by this fall! Oh, that will be sooooooo awesome! My school journey has been so long and I'm so ready to be a college graduate! The only downside, I don't plan on stopping at my bachelors. Gotta get that masters too! Lets just hope that doesn't take 10 years too!

So......let the countdown to graduation begin!

Super Daddy!

2011-01-30T19:10:00.000-08:00

Brielle and I had a first week without daddy! Sean went back to work last Monday. He had 5 weeks off with us, which was AMAZING!! Since Brielle was born December 18th, and the last day of school was December 17th, Sean got the 3 weeks of Christmas Break off and then he took off another 2. It was so awesome having him home. He got to bond so much with Brielle and he was my little servant when I was nursing. He'd bring me food, water, the remote, whatever I needed. We were sad when he went back to work, but we already visited him twice for lunch! We just missed him too much!

I'm so grateful for my awesome husband! When Sean and I first got married, he made it very clear to me that no one was going to "wear the pants" in our family. We were going to "wear shorts" together, be equals. He has proven to me throughout our marriage that we are equals and a team. Not that I doubted his daddy skills, but he has shown me again that we are "wearing shorts" together. We are raising and taking care of Brielle together. None of the, "well your the woman" stuff. I'm sure if he had boobs, he'd nurse right along with me! Ha ha, I know that sounds funny but that's really the only thing he can't do for her and I know he wishes he could help feed her. So, Sean is a super daddy and a super AWESOME husband! Heavenly Father was really looking out for me in the marriage department!

Wish I could stop time....

2011-01-18T17:24:00.000-08:00

Can time please stop! Our little girl is one month old today! It hardly seems possible! We feel so blessed to have her in our lives and we are having so much fun! On Sunday, 1/16, Brielle smiled at us for the first time. Not the 'sleeping' smile, but an actual smile! I was talking to her and she smiled at me but I thought I was seeing things. Sean was in the other room. I said, "um Sean, I think Brielle just smiled at me." He came in and preceded to talk animated to her and she then gave him the biggest smile! We both about died!! It was the most precious thing we've ever seen. Needless to say, she stole our hearts yet again! So happy one month birthday Brielle!! And please slow down on the growing up!

snuggling with my love bug on a nice day!

I just love this little face!

Life with Brielle

2011-01-09T14:13:00.001-08:00

Christmas day! Her first Christmas and she slept through it!

Snuggling with my lil lady on Christmas!

She loves her some breast milk! Its a good sedative!

In her little Christmas dress on Christmas day

She enjoys her bath...most of the time.

Celebrating New Years with mom and dad.

A photo shoot with mom and dad!

I LOVE baby yawns!

Life has been so wonderful with our new little girl. She is such a good baby. She only cries when she is hungry and sometimes when her diaper is changed. But she is so happy and content. She already had her 2 week check up last week and she turned 3 weeks on Saturday. SO SAD!! I just don't want her to grow up! At her appointment, her weight went from 7 lbs 14 oz to 8 lbs 6 oz! And her height went from 20 1/2 in to 21 3/4 in! She is in the 90th percentile in height! She is tall and lean and apparentely my breast milk is doing her good!!

Sean is the best daddy and so in love with Brielle. I seriously could not ask for a better companion in caring for our daughter. He is 100% about doing his part. Love him for that!

More hospital pictures of Brielle

2011-01-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

More hospital pictures of our sweet Brielle. They are not really in order and I would have added more but blogger is only letting me add one at a time. But here is out little lady when she was brand new!

Look at that double chin!

Auntie Olia and her Baba (Ukrainian grandma)

Happy grandparents!

Snuggling with my love bug.

Love our little family.

Auntie Chanel

Grandma is very happy!

First bath=a very unhappy baby!

Just newly entered the world!

A very proud daddy

Brielle Charisse

2011-01-05T21:08:00.001-08:00

Vintage Volute Pink Birth Announcement

Turn your favorite photo into a birth announcement.

View the entire collection of cards.

Goodbye 2010...and hello 2011!!

2011-01-01T17:04:00.000-08:00

I really can't believe 2010 is over! I must be getting older because the years are starting to fly by and I must admit....it's a little scary! So, I'm really trying to enjoy every moment!

2010 started off with some ups and downs. In January, we found our first home! A month later we got the keys and it's still unreal sometimes that we own a home. In February, we were excited because we found out we were pregnant again! Sean started telling people right away, but for some reason I had a really bad feeling about telling people and I was right. On Valentines Day, we lost another baby. I had almost given up on being a mom anytime soon. In March, we took a much needed vacation to our favorite spot, Cancun. So much healing happened there, spiritually and emotionally. In Cancun, I told our Father in Heaven that I would except any way that my children had to come and at anytime they needed to come. That was really hard for me to do. But if there is one thing I've learned in life, it's to except whatever God has in store for you with a smile. It makes life a lot happier and easier. A few weeks after we got back from Cancun, I suspected I might be pregnant. If I was, it would have happened in Cancun. BUT....I wasn't suppose to ovulate until 2 days after we got back...so could it be possible?? It was!! God had truly blessed us!

Just the pregnancy and birth of our sweet daughter has made this year the best year so far. We feel SOOOOOO extremely blessed to be her parents. Many people tried to give us so much negative advice and opinions about parenthood before our little girl was born. But Sean and I weren't buying it and we will continue to not buy into the negative mumbo jumbo. Having to struggle to become a parent makes it just a little more special to us. We are eternally grateful to our Heavenly Father for knowing what was best for us and to allow us to have struggles so that we can better appreciate the blessings.

Happy New Year To All!

Love,
Sean, Sierra & Brielle

Brielle's Birth Story

2010-12-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, I've been slacking on posting this because I've been basked in the love and joy of our new baby girl! Brielle Charisse was born December 18th, at 6:27 am, weighing 7 lbs 14 oz, 20 1/2 inches long. She captured our hearts the second she was born and I can't believe as of yesterday, she is now a week old. Makes me kinda sad. I just love how snuggly she is and I don't want the time to go by too fast. Anyways...on to the birth!!

As mentioned in my last post, I had my membranes stripped on Thursday the 16th, my due date. By the next day, I had kinda given up hope that it worked. It caused some strong contractions, but they had no pattern. So, I just decided to be patient and let it be. That same day, the 17th, Sean and I decided to have a movie night and junk food night. We watched 2 movies, watched 2 CSI's, and ate donuts, popcorn, red vines, fruit snakes. It was quite the evening!! So, we went to bed kinda late, at about 12:30. At 2:30, I woke up to go the bathroom. I noticed that I was having contractions, but I had been getting them a lot at night the past few weeks, so I thought nothing of it and decided to go back to bed. At 3:30, I woke up to use the bathroom again. This time when I got back into bed, I noticed they were stronger, so I decided to time them. My way of timing them would be to look at the clock when one started, fall back asleep when it was over and wake up and look at the clock when one started again. A little after 4, I realized that I had had about 3-4 really strong contractions that were 10 minutes apart. I was suppose to go in at 10 minutes because my first labor with "C" was only 7 hours, so they said this one would be fast. So, I finally decided to wake up Sean. We got up and got dressed and got our things together and I called my mom. We arrived at the hospital at about 4:45.

I got into triage and they started all their procedure stuff, which in my opinion takes way too long. When they finally checked me, I was an 8!! Whoa....I really wasn't expecting that. They asked me if I wanted an epidural. I said yes, then the nurse was like, "You don't need one, you are doing so good." Probably because I was actually talking a lot and not screaming! ha ha. But I was in the transition phase of labor because I started to shake a lot and almost threw up. Finally it was time to move me to delivery.

When we got to the delivery room, I asked for the epidural, so they had to check me again. Well, I only had a rim left, so basically I was a 10. So no epidural. At this point I didn't care. I was already in my own little world and I think my body was just ready to do what it needed to do. They waited for the rim to disappear, which wasn't long and then it was time to push. I did really well up until her head started to come out and then I almost lost it. But one of my awesome doctors, Dr. Baker, gave me a little pep talk. She said,"Sierra stop and look at me. Don't lose it now. You are doing great. The heads right here. Use the pain to push through." Thats all I needed and I got myself together and she was out with just another push and came into the world at 6:27 am! At first all I felt was relief. I almost forgot that I had just had a baby! And apparently my mom said Dr. Baker complimented me on how well I did, but I was so out of it that it took for them to hand me Brielle for me to come back to earth. But when they handed her to me, my heart melted!

The first day was an exhausted blur. Here I am, with only 3 hours of sleep, giving birth and still trying to entertain visitors. We did not sleep at all that first day. And any one who has given birth knows they don't let you sleep in the hospital, so we got outta there the next day.

We love having our little girl. Sean and I are both really in awe of her! We truly feel the blessings of our Heavenly Father in our lives! She is that sweet spirit we were waiting for and we can't wait to continue our journey as her parents!

Just a few pictures from the hospital. Trust me...there will be many more in the future!

Our little chubby cheeks snuggling with daddy!

Getting some love from mommy!

She is such a good snuggler!

Mommy and Brielle meet at last!

Happy Due Date To Me!!!

2010-12-16T14:56:00.000-08:00

So, today is my official due date! I am actually in shock that I made it to my due date because the theory is with a second child, you go sooner. Well, not me apparently. But I'm perfectly fine with that. I want her to stay as long as she needs to be perfectly healthy. And this little girl let me finish my classes and daddy and grandma (my mom) both go on Christmas break tomorrow from work, so perfect timing. But Sean took tomorrow off JUST in case!

I went in for an appointment today. I'm 4 cm dilated. WHAT?? Thats so crazy. With "C" I was in actual labor when I was 4. But my water broke with him too. So, this experience is way different. I had my membranes stripped today. Now, I've heard some say it's painful and others say it's not. Well I have a pretty high pain tolerance and let me tell you....it HURTS! Holy crap! But once it's done, it's done and the pain is gone. My doc said she always feels bad doing it because she knows how bad it is and she said she can almost feel the pain with the patient. Stripping the membranes is when the seperate your bag of water from your uterus. It's a natural way to start labor. IF it works, I should go into labor within 24 hours. Like I said....IF! I've been telling a lot of people that I was going to get this done and they just assumed I was going to be in the hospital right after I had it done. Nope. Some women, it never works for. So we are keeping our fingers crossed that it does work. If this little girl decides to stay put a little longer, I have an induction date set for the 23rd. BUT....we are hoping it doesn't come to that and she'll show up sooner.

I've been having some pretty strong contractions since my appointment. They are irregular but I'm hoping they will get some sort of pattern soon. I must say that just having your water break is much easier and I kinda wish that would just happen again. But keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we will have our little baby in our arms in the next 24 hours!

One week countdown!

2010-12-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

I can't believe this little girl is almost here! This has seriously been the quickest pregnancy. I will be 39 weeks tomorrow! Insane!

Almost 39 weeks!

This pregnancy is way different then my one with "C". Not sure if it's because of age. I was 22 when I had "C" and 27 with this one. Or because it's just a different pregnancy. I know the thing that is the most different is I'm carrying her super high compared to "C" and I can't breathe most days and would die for an oxygen tank! HAHA! Here are some of my stats as of 39 weeks.

* I'm dilated to 2.5 and 80% effaced. I just went to the doctor today and I've been the same for the last week. We are really trying hard to make it to my "new" due date, 12/16, because Sean goes on Christmas break 12/17. So keep your fingers cross that she waits a little longer!

* She moves like crazy and still loves to stick those feet in my ribs! Another thing I did not experience with "C".

*I've gained 27 lbs. I'm actually quite surprised that I haven't gained more because I feel huge! But, I'm not disappointed at all. Maybe if I'm lucky, by the time I have her, I'll be down to 25!

* Doc says she will most likely be a 7-8 lb baby. I don't know how they can tell this by feeling your belly, but that's why he's a doctor and I'm not.

* Doc says I'm not very big outward, but I'm carrying wide. Which I totally agree!

* I've been sleeping A LOT and not nesting at all. I really hope the nesting thing kicks in, but if not....oh well. I'm really trying to relax so I don't put myself in labor. But if I haven't had her by next week....I'm doing everything I can to get the show started!

* Next appointment is my due date, 12/16 and doc says he'll sweep my membranes if I haven't had her by then.

I'm actually kind of sad that the pregnancy is almost over. I feel so womanly when I'm pregnant. Even though I feel huge, I love having a belly! Sean loves my belly too! But we can't wait to meet this little girl. She really could be here any day (even though we are hoping next week).

I am grateful for adoption

2010-11-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

In light of National Adoption Month AND Thanksgiving, I thought I'd share some reasons why I'm so grateful for adoption.

*Adoption gave me my family. I have been so blessed. I have a family that loves me more then anything and I have had a wonderful life.

* Adoption allowed me to be sealed that family.

*Adoption taught me that family doesn't mean "flesh and blood". Family means love and support.

*Adoption has made many people love me, including my birth family.

* Adoption made it possible for 2 women to love me very much, my mother and my birth mother.I'm a lucky girl!

* Adoption taught me to put my own sons needs before my own. It was a hard lesson but well worth it.

* Adoption has taught me that I can get through anything. I have had many trials, but none harder then becoming a birth mom.

*Adoption helped me learn how much my Father in Heaven loves me.

* Adoption allowed me to become closer to my Savior.

*Adoption has given me a reason to be an advocate for something. Adoption can be a positive and beautiful option.

*Adoption has made me a better person. I'm more empathetic and have a softer heart.

*Adoption led me to where I am today.

*Adoption helped me see that in the grand scheme of things, we are ALL God's children anyways and we will all be together again someday.

*Adoption is who I am, and for that, I am grateful!

Happy Birthday....

2010-11-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

......to the sweetest, kindest, smartest, most talented, sexiest man alive....my husband!! Sean turned 27 today. How grateful I am that he was born 27 years ago. He has changed my life....for the better!! I am so blessed to be his wife! I love you babe and happy birthday!

Out to dinner last night celebrating the big day!

My Story (How I chose adoption)

2010-11-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

It's National Adoption Month again! YAY! I love blogging about adoption. But I want to set some ground rules this time. I understand that some people have had negative experiences in adoption and I'm so sorry that you have. But I have NOT had a bad experience. This is MY experience and MY story and this year I will not except rude or negative comments. They will be deleted and not responded too. That being said.......

Its National Adoption Month: How I became a birth mom

Before I went away to school at Utah State in Logan Utah, I was the "good girl". I was active in the LDS church and I tried to do everything I was suppose to. When I finally left for school, my future was very bright. I thought I'd meet a nice guy, marry, finish school and have babies. But that didn't happen. Or it didn't happen in that order.

I'm not sure how or exactly the moment that it happened, but I stopped caring. Stopped caring about how I appeared to others. Stop caring about the church I once loved so much. Stopped caring about what I was doing. I wasn't involved in anything TOO heinous, but definitely bad enough that some consequences were bound to catch up with me.

I met "S" at the beginning of the Spring 2005 semester at Utah State. Despite being inactive in my church, I knew I should stay away from him, but I didn't. I did actually try to stay away for awhile as he pursued me, but eventually I gave in. At first, things were great with him. I thought he was an ok guy. I realize now, being with him was probably the lowest I have ever been in my life. His sweet side changed and before I knew it, he was in and out of jail for dealing drugs. What had I gotten myself into! In November of 2005, he went to jail...again! I was sick of it. Sick of him. Sick of my life. I decided then that I probably needed church again. The very next day, I found out I was pregnant.

I tried to be happy. I loved "S" right? We would have this baby and get married. He would get out of jail and he would change his life around...right? I was certain of it. For a while, I tried to pretend like I wasn't really living in reality. I knew I was pregnant, but only a few people knew. Despite how I was living my life, I was still somewhat ashamed. Ashamed that I had allowed myself to get into such a situation. It even got to the point that I began to grieve for my baby. I would rub my belly, that wasn't even a belly yet, and cry for him or her. Cry for them that their own mother brought them into the world this way. BUT...that didn't matter. I was going to parent my child. It didn't matter if I was adopted or not and had had a great life, I was 22! I was old enough.

I couldn't tell my parents. I had to have my best friend at the time do it. I never liked disappointing them and this would be the biggest disappointment of all. They were not happy of course. In fact, my dad would not talk to me for some time. My parents were adamant about adoption, but I told them no, I was going to parent.

"S" eventually got out of jail and I desperately tried to make a relationship work. I could picture us being married and raising our baby together. I always wanted to be a mom. And now I was!! How exciting! But there was still something missing...I just couldn't put my finger on it. And later I would learn that the missing aspect in my life was prayer.

As my pregnancy progressed, it was very apparent that "S" didn't really care what I did. I wanted to get married now, he wanted to wait. Why did he want to wait?? From my experience, most guys tell you to wait because they have NO intention of marrying you. And that was exactly his intention. He would lie about missing doctors appointments, telling me he got pulled over or taken into jail just for the day. I was beginning to see through the lies. He lied about buying things for the baby and I hate to admit this, there was a time he threatened me with a weapon. I finally eventually broke myself away from him when I found out he was dating another girl. He still bugged me about the baby after that but he knew things were over between us.

When I found out I was having a boy, I was thrilled. At the time I was thrilled because I had always wanted a little boy first AND because "S" already had a daughter, so I knew he really wanted a son. I already had a name picked out and I began calling him that. But we will call him "C". I loved "C". I sang to him and was always rubbing my belly. I would play little games with him while he was in my belly. I loved it! I loved being pregnant and I loved this little boy so much! I would tell him of all the wonderful things he was going to do with his life. I couldn't wait to be his mommy!

Right around my 7th month, my mom wanted to fly me home to California for a week. I agreed to come. I was a little worried they would try and keep me there, but I put my faith in my parents that they would allow me to go back to Utah. While I was home, they asked me if I would meet with a lady named Julie from LDS Family Services. I agreed but I was very cold with her. I wasn't going to choose adoption.....what were my parents thinking!! It really got me aggravated at times. I was old enough to care for this child. I was his mother!! But my parents treated me very well during my stay and allowed me to return to Utah.

When I returned to Utah, my co-workers (I worked at Smiths), threw me a baby shower. I got so many nice things and I felt loved. I was beginning to get excited about the birth of my son. But I was also nervous because "S" either was going to be around too much or not at all, and both frightened me. After I had been back in Utah for about a month, "S" went back to jail and my parents decided that I needed to come home to have this baby. They knew I needed family to take care of me. I had taken care of my self for 8 months of my pregnancy with no support. So, I knew that I really needed to go home to have this little guy.

I was still positive on parenting when I got home to California. I finally decided to get my life right and go back to church. I wanted my son raised with the gospel. So, I went and saw dear Bishop Russell. He is such a good man. I told him my plans to parent and he asked me if I had prayed about it. I had prayed, but had I never prayed about what to do for this tiny person living inside of me. I had only prayed about what I wanted...not what God wanted. Before I even began to pray about it, confusion struck me. All of a sudden, parenting him didn't feel right anymore, but neither did adoption. I was horrified!! My baby was due soon and here I was questioning what to do with his life! I went back to my Bishop and he told me it was a choice I had to make and he couldn't do it for me. I sat there and cried and he cried with me, because my confusion was so strong. I then began to pray harder then I have ever prayed in my life. This time I promised to my Father in Heaven that I would do His will, not what I wanted, like I had been doing the entire time. I had been scared to pray before, because I didn't want to get an answer that I didn't like. But this time, I threw all that fear out the window and poured my heart out to Heavenly Father. He didn't answer me right away and I was getting somewhat desperate.

On a Saturday afternoon in July 2006, I walked into my moms room and asked, "do you think Mr. and Mrs. S would be willing to meet with me so I could talk to them about possibly adopting C?" First off, let me explain something. I have known Mr and Mrs "S" for a long time. Especially Mrs. "S". I won't say how and where, but they are family friends. At the time, they lived 6 hours away. I knew they hadn't had children in their 5 year marriage and no doctor could tell them why. My mom had mentioned them before to me, but she had always dropped it when I was so adamant about parenting. So, what provoked me that day to see if they wanted to drive 6 hours to talk to me....I don't know. I can't even remember having the thought. All I remember is walking into my moms room and those words coming out of my mouth. The next day, which was Sunday, they drove 6 hours to come and talk to me. I asked them questions about how they would raise him and if they were willing to keep the name I had given him in his name somehow. We talked about how much contact we would want and how my pregnancy had gone. But at the end, I let them know, that I still hadn't made a decision. And then they drove 6 hours home. I still didn't know what to do. I didn't get an answer while I was talking to them, which I thought I would. The following day, Monday, I went to Lowe's with my parents on an errand. I was walking around when a 801 area code showed up on my phone. 801 is the Salt Lake City area code. I thought it could be one of my friends from school. So, I answered it. It was "S". All he said was, "I'm out of jail, but I'll talk to you later," and he hung up. After being in shock from hearing from him again, I began to walk around the store. The spirit then whispered to me, "if you love this baby as much as you say you do, you won't let him live like this." I knew it then. I knew without a doubt that this little boy deserved so much more then what I had to offer. When I found my parents, I told them that I wanted Mr. and Mrs "S" to be "C's" parents. We went home and called them right away. My prayers had finally been answered. I had two weeks left until my due date and not one time did I go back on the confirmation I received. I knew that my son deserved the best from the very beginning. I wasn't going to take that chance that he MAY end up having a good life. I wanted, he IS going to have a good life.

On August 3rd, 2006 at 2:56 a.m., I gave birth to the sweetest little boy. I spent 3 beautiful days in the hospital with him. Thats all I had, was 3 days. But they are some of the sweetest moments of my life.

Choosing adoption was the hard choice. The choice that has caused me more grief and pain then I could have ever imagined. But it has also caused me the greatest peace and blessings that I can not even begin to describe. How did I do it? How was I able to place my flesh and blood into someone else's arms? I don't know. All I can say is that it was a power beyond this world. A Heavenly power that gave me the strength to do was what best for my son.

I am about to have my "first" baby with my husband, but I am already a mother. I am a true mother. A true mother would do anything for her child. She would starve, to make sure her child had something to eat. She would jump in front of a bus, so that her child would not get hit........ Or, she would unselfishly break her own heart, to make sure that her child had the best life possible, even if it is one that she could not provide. My entire pregnancy with "C", I was so set on being his mother, "I'm his mother, I have to raise him." But I was wrong. Being his mother means I need to do what was best for him, not just raise him. "C" did not ask to be born into the life I almost gave him. His trust was completely in me, that I would do the right thing for him. And as his mother, his birth mother, I know that I did just that.

Love

2010-11-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

3 years ago today, I married the most amazing man alive. He continues to amaze me every day and I fall more in love with him every day. I can not wait to spend eternity with this man. I am one lucky girl!

Shower Me!!

2010-10-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Blogger is being really dumb and is only letting me upload 5 pictures. So, here are a few from my shower that I had a week ago, Oct. 23rd. Sean and I both felt so loved! We had about 60-70 people come. So, it was jam packed, but wonderful. We did get a lot of pictures, but I was also bummed that I didn't get more pictures with people, or the food, which was AMAZING!! We can't wait to get this little girl here and let her use all the wonderful things she got!

The room where everyone ate.

The AMAZING cake! It was chocolate on the top and carrot cake on the bottom and it was HEAVENLY! The carrot cake was truly the best carrot cake I have ever tasted!

My love and I after opening the amazing gifts.

Before the cake was cut.

8 months. And yes I'm wearing very high shoes. I got a lot of 'you shouldn't be wearing those' at the shower. But they are actually very comfy and if you know me, I always gotta rock my heals!

RIP Boss

2010-10-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

I know this may seem like a silly post, but since this is my online journal, I want to blog about it.

Our beloved dog Boss died this afternoon. Like most dogs, he was a part of the family and it has not been easy. Boss has been going down hill for some time. He would have been 11 years old on Sunday. Which for a Bull Mastiff is WAY above their life expectancy. So, I do know that he had a very good life. Last week, we thought we were going to have to put him down, but he bounced back. But after his episode last week, I knew the end was coming fast. Sunday, he stopped eating and drinking and Monday night and last night, he kept Sean and I up by crying, which he never does. He has always been so brave, so hearing him cry broke our hearts. So we knew it was time.

At first I didn't want to be in the room, but decided to at the last minute. I'm glad I did. I was right there with him when he took his last breath and that gives me comfort to know that I was the last one he saw. I love this dog so much and I have so many wonderful memories of him. And I know that I will see him again.

RIP Boss
Oct. 10th 1999-Oct. 6th 2010

Sean and I always loved a good photo shoot with Boss. Even the silly ones.

I LOVED when Boss would put his belly up to be scratched!

He had this thing with his tongue..it was always sticking out...even till his last breath...he had that thing hanging out.

He took good care of my dad during all his surgeries...and my dad returned the favor with a belly rub.

He was always looking for attention. And we always gave it to him.

Yes thats Boss IN BED with Sean! HAHA. Back when he could still jump up that high.

Sean and Boss being silly.

Boss HATED the rain and snow. But on this snow day, we left the front door open, and he ran right out into it.

Boss was ALWAYS trying to be in my pictures! The one with me pregnant was taken just this last Friday.

Boss and his homie Sean.

There is that tongue again!!

He actually learned how to come in and out of our little doggie door!! Boss is HUGE and it looked like he would never fit, but somehow he made himself fit!

A week ago when we knew that his life was coming to an end.

This was taken today at the vets office. I'm so glad I was there to be with him in his final moments.

The Countdown Begins!

2010-10-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

7 months

This last Wednesday, I reached 28 weeks, which is the beginning of the 3 trimester. I can hardly believe it. This pregnancy is going by WAY too fast! This little girl is super active but never wants to move for anyone but me. Sean has just barely started to really see and feel her make big movements. I wasn't feeling very good for awhile, which was my thyroid and my doc bumped up my meds, but I'm still feeling icky...so I'm wondering if I need a higher dose of my thyroid meds again. Other then that, we are super excited to start the countdown to meet our little girl! I'm getting a little sad that it's the last stage of pregnancy because I've really enjoyed bonding with her. BUT...I can't wait to see her gorgeous face!

A Birthday Celebration

2010-09-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

My birthday was last week, August 30th, and I turned 27. Don't worry, I'm not going to say how old I am, because really, is 27 old? I think not. I'm sure when I'm in my 50's I'll be looking back WISHING I was 27! I had a great birthday week! Sean sure knows how to spoil me! He surprised me with breakfast in bed. At work, we had a party and a Costco carrot cake! YUM! I received many great gifts from my co-workers and friends. Later, we went out to eat with my parents.

Fast forward to Friday, Sean surprised me with a bunch of friends at this new restaurant called Bex. And again, I was spoiled my love and affection by more people. Saturday, Sean and I drove down to Orange County to do some birthday shopping. We could have shopped here, but we decided to make a day of it....more fun! I really couldn't ask for better friends and a better husband. Sean is always trying to find ways to surprise me.

In other news, the pregnancy is going well. This pregnancy is a lot harder then my first, but I'm pushing through! Here is me last Sunday in our desert photo shoot at 25weeks! I definitely look pregnant now!

6 months?

2010-08-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

At my appointment last Thursday, the doctor did another ultrasound for me and we got to see our baby girl again. We actually got a genital shot this time, though not a good one because she likes to move around so much. We got a shot of her sucking her thumb! So cute. But according to my last period, which is what they like to go off of, since they don't know exact time of conception, I should be 22 weeks 1 day today. Well, last Thursday at my appointment, my uterus was measuring 22 weeks, which would put me at 23 weeks today, or 6 months. Since I'm only 6 days ahead, they won't change my due date. But I have measured 6 days ahead every single time. SOOO....I should be 6 months today according to my measurements. So I'm kinda changing my due date on my own, which would change it from 12/22 to 12/16. I'm POSITIVE I won't go till December 22n. I have now POSITIVE that I ovulated early.

So, other then that, everythings great. I'm still tired, but I blame that on the heat. When I was pregnant with my birth son, I had severe foot pain from swelling just on the bottom of my feet, and I'm getting it again and I'm popping tums like candy, but I LOVE IT! I love being pregnant.

Side note: Sean and I started back up to work. We both work at a high school with the special needs students. Work could also be causing me to be tired. Working with 17 severe special needs students and pushing one around in a wheelchair all day can really take a toll. But we love our jobs. Sean started taking classes at University of Phoenix! YAY! I'm so proud of him. And my classes start back up in a little over a week. Only 14 more units for me! I can finally see that light at the end of the tunnel! =)

Sorry these are so crooked. They scanned that way and I didn't feel like rescanning them.

Our little thumb sucker!

It's really hard to tell what you are looking at, but if you look closely, you can tell she's still a girl!

Happy birthday to the boy that changed my life..

2010-08-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

4 years ago today, I gave birth to my birth son. Could 4 years have really already passed? It seems quite impossible, but it's not. I look how my life has changed and grown in the last 4 years and I am astonished. Last night I was talking to Sean about my little guy and as we were talking, it hit me. Even though I was not living my life how I should of, if I could go back in time, I would not change a thing. Does that seem crazy?? Crazy to put myself through that all over again? Am I a masochist?

To answer all of those questions; No

The reason I would do it all again, pain and all, is because it changed my life. For the better. I learned to be unselfish. I learned the type of love the Savior has for us, pure. I learned the true meaning of the atonement because I actually got to truly use it. I learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it because I have already dealt with the greatest type of pain. I learned that I will be a great mother, because I was able to give my "first" child the best, even though I couldn't give it to him. At the time of placement, all a birth mothers reasoning for doing what she is doing points to the child. Most of us do it for them, not ourselves. But as time passes, the lessons that you learn and the blessings you receive are unmistakable. I am so grateful to this little boy. I'm glad he chose me as his vessel to get to earth. He really did help change my life. I never thought something so small, such as a newborn baby, could have such an impact.

So, happy birthday to the sweetest little boy on the face of the earth. You don't know this now, but you changed my life. You don't remember this, but the day you were born, there were angels around us. Angels helping comfort me and angels getting you to your family. You are very special. NEVER forget that. The feelings I felt 4 years ago are indescribable and they are so sacred and special to me. I love you little guy.

The first time they placed in him my arms. The spirit that was felt at that time was undescribable. The angels must have already been among us.

Almost half way there

2010-07-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm almost half way done! I can't believe it. This next Wednesday, I'll be 20 weeks. The time has really been flying by, but I'm really trying to savor every moment. I've kind of been having a hard time lately. I pinched a nerve in my back from sitting wrong, yes....from sitting wrong, and the last 2 weeks have been tough physically. BUT....I love being pregnant. I love life growing inside of me. Even with being in pain and only being able to take Tylenol, I still try to smile and be positive. Because you never know what life have in store for you.

When I was pregnant with my birth son, I was planning on raising him at first. But for some reason, I was in no hurry to get him out of me. I've heard many women say, "I just want this baby out." But I didn't feel that way with him. I treasured every second that I was pregnant. I now feel that was Heavenly Fathers way of having me bond with him, knowing that I wouldn't have him once he was born. Well, I feel similar to that with this baby. Yes, I'm raising her, and no I don't think anything is going to happen. But this is the only time in our lives that it will just be me and her. Once she's out, she'll have daddy and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. It won't be just me and her. So, I'm treasuring this time I have with her. This time when all she can really hear is my voice, my heart. I'm cherishing feeling her move and grow within me, because this may be the only other pregnancy I have. (I don't think it will be, but you never know.) So, I'm living this pregnancy to the fullest and really enjoying it. Yes, I can't wait to see that beautiful little face in person, but for the time being, I'm enjoying having our spirits bond and enjoying OUR time together, just me and her.

19 weeks and finally getting a little bump. BUT...if I suck it in really hard, my bump goes away! HAHA...but that's too uncomfortable, so I let it all hang out.

An early surprise!

2010-07-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

At my appointment last week, I mentioned to my ob/gyn that I had minor spotting. It was such a small amount that I wasn't worried at all, but thought I should mention it to him. Well, being the great doctor he is, he wanted to get me in for an ultrasound the next day, in which we could also find out the sex of the baby. Even though the baby was refusing to cooperate most of the time, we found out we are having......

A GIRL!!!!

We don't have any genital shots because she literally only let us look for a second before she stuck her foot back in her crotch. But we are thrilled! I had a feeling it was a girl. Sean thought it was a boy until the doctor told us we were going to find out the sex the next day. He said he immediately thought, we are going to have a girl. The spotting turned out to be nothing. Just one of those things. So, we found out Friday and decided to have a "sex reveal bbq" on Sunday. This was very hard on my mom to have to wait 2 whole days! But I decided that you never know whats gong to happen in life, so you need to make the most of it. I wanted to celebrate this baby because we have waited so long for her. Our bbq was a success and really fun. We had everyone guess what they thought the baby was. It was a dead even. We had a cake that was pink, so when we cut it and turned around, everyone knew it was a girl.

Her pretty profile

Her feet

Waving to mommy and daddy

The cake...it doesn't look that great but tasted YUMMY!!

When we turned around...surprise..the cake is pink!

Some of our guests. We fit over 20 people in our little house...but it was great to have the company to celebrate our little girl.

Some of my lady friends

We probably won't have another one of these because my mom about had an anxiety attack. I just think that Sean and I will have to go out and celebrate on our own next time.

Is there REALLY a baby in there?

2010-07-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

By the looks of my stomach, you wouldn't think so!

Here I am today at 16 weeks 2 days. My waist is definitly thicker. Pants are nice and tight and I even finally broke down and bought some maternity jeans...at Forever 21! Yes, they have a maternity line now! But I'm just waiting for that day when I "POP".

I'm not worried that I haven't REALLY started to show yet. I'm quite aware that I have child bearing hips and a baby can hide quite well in between these hips of mine. I'm just tired of feeling bulky and I want to really feel and look pregnant.

Oh and P.S. I felt some movement last night. I would count it as the first real movement that I've noticed. =)

YAY for growing babies!

2010-06-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

So, Im 14 weeks today and I have officially entereted my 2nd trimester! YAY!! It is still so hard for me to believe! Here are some of my stats from my 1st trimester.

When did you find out you were pregnant? April 17th. I only took a test because the day before, I got a massage and when I layed down on the table, my ta-tas were KILLING me! A light bulb went off in my head at that moment.

Whats your due date? December 22nd. I always vowed I'd never have a Christmas baby. But now with everything I've experienced, I can't think of a better Christmas gift!

Morning sickness? OH YEA!! It kicked in early at 5 weeks and lasted till 12. It had my couch ridden for many afternoons. It got really bad at the end, around 10 weeks and literally disappeared at 12. Although I still get nauseous when I'm really hungry.

Weight gained? 3 lbs. I'm trying really hard to not gain 1 million lbs but it was hard those first weeks being so sick to wanna get up, let alone excerise.

Hows the fatigue? It's good that I'm not sleeping for 12 hours anymore, but I'm still pretty tired.

Felt the baby move? I thought I felt "fluttering" the other day, but I wasn't sure. I felt my birth son at 16 weeks, so I'm expecting to feel this one soon.

Maternity clothes yet? Nope!! I can still wear my regular jeans. I don't look pregnant. Just thicker in the waist. Pregnancy is when I'm very grateful to have wide hips. The baby has lots of room in there!

I'm still peeing every 2 seconds and cry over silly things, but it's so great! I have now had 2 ultrasounds and heard the heart beat twice! I feel extrememly blessed!This pregnancy has been different then my first one, which I will probably blog about later, but it's such an amazing experience. I'm really trying to enjoy every second because I don't want to miss out on anything. Sean has been do great too. He did everything around the house when I was so sick and never complained. And he was always checking to see if I needed anything. Like when he went looking for chicken noodle soup for me at 11 pm!

And speaking of Sean, he gave me an early birthday present. 2 months early, but I don't care. He got me an SLR camera!! My first camera with a lens! I'm so excited to start really using it!

This the camera but I got this picture off the internet. I just got it last night, so I still need to really play with it. Isn't my hubby great??

So....I guess I drank some of that water!

2010-06-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

Remember my post a little while back about something being in the water because I knew a MILLION pregnant people? Well, apparently I drank that water too! That's right.... we are expecting!!!

It's been very hard keeping this in, but I knew it was something we wanted to wait to share. First off, this came to us as a complete surprise. We were waiting one more month because of the miscarriage I had in Feb. And it happened in Cancun, which also was a surprise, because I wasn't suppose to ovulate until 2 days after we got back (sorry for the details).

First appointment went great. I thought I was going to die before my appointment, because I was so nervous they were going to tell me something bad. But the baby was measuring 6 days early, and everything looked perfect. I had my 2nd appointment today. Sean couldn't make this one because of his 2nd job, so my mom joined me. And since my nurse practitioner loves grandmas, she did another ultrasound for us! The baby was kicking and moving like crazy!! I'm 13 weeks today, but the baby is measuring 13 weeks 3 days. Heartbeat was perfect at 165, and this appointment really put a lot of my fears aside.

I've been really sick this pregnancy. I don't vomit, but I would get so nauseous, that it would make me weak. Lets just say, must days after work, you could find me on the couch for the remainder of the day. But it's all worth it. I started feeling better a week ago, and then I got a sinus infection and slight bought of bronchitis. So, I felt sick from that. But I am overjoyed. I'll take the fatigue and nausea any day, if it means I get to me a mommy.

And whats really interesting to me, when I wrote that post that I healed and excepted a lot of things in Cancun, I had no idea this was coming. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was waiting for me to except whatever He had in store for me. Some days, I still can't believe it. But I know this is truly a blessing. 5 years after I got a taste of motherhood with my first pregnancy, I finally get to have a baby of my own.

Our baby at 13 weeks

2010-06-11T12:49:00.000-07:00

My last post was about Color Free and once again, I'm going to be the proud wife. Sean and his group did AMAZING at their show at the Key Club!!! I was SHOCKED!!! I've seen them perform at little things, but never like that. It was as if Sean was a different person. Which he is...he's iLLi on stage. I was so proud! Well, Color Free has 2 more shows coming up. One on June 13th at the Zanzibar in Hollywood. I will not be able to attend that one. Their next show is June 18th at the House of Blues in Hollywood and that show is FREE!!! Yes I said FREE!!! So, you all better be there!! Can' beat a free show!! Come see how amazing Sean is on stage!

And here is my hot rapper husband iLLi (aka Sean)

Lets Rock Out Tonight!

2010-05-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

Sean's group, Color Free is having their first BIG performance tonight. They have performed but not at this level. They are playing at The Key Club tonight in Hollywood. They are opening for Grammy nominated R&B singer Jon B. I'm SOOO proud of him and his fellow group members. They have worked so hard to get where they are at. And we have both sacrificed a lot of time away from each other so he could pursue this dream. So good luck Color Free......and lets rock out tonight!!

Happy Mothers Day!

2010-05-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers Day to my own beautiful mother. When I was a little girl, like 3 maybe? My mom would ask me who my best friend was, and I would say, "My mommy". She is still my best friend. We had a rough patch in high school, but what mother/daughter duo doesn't? When I had an unplanned pregnancy, instead of yelling at me, my mother was full of compassion and support. We have only grown closer and I am so grateful for the many lessons she has taught me.

Happy Mothers Day to my mother in law Pam! She raised an amazing son, who turned into a wonderful husband. She taught Sean to always respect and love women, and Sean is such a gentleman. She has welcomed me into the family with open arms and I love her dearly.

Happy Mothers Day to my birth mom Emily! Emily is a birth mom and a mother to my biological half brother James. She gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. We have a wonderful relationship now and I'm so grateful that she is a part of me life. Love you Emily!

And last but not least, Happy Mothers Day to my births sons mom, Mrs S. Mrs S is truly amazing. She is so thoughtful of me and is everything I wanted in a mother for my little guy. She is a great example to me and I truly feel as though we are eternally connected.

I hope all the other mommies and mommies to be have a beautiful day. And to the women that have not had the chance to be a mommy yet, you are a great influence in the lives of everyone around you and you too are a wonderful woman!

Happy Birth Mothers Day!

2010-05-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

This post is going to sound like i'm tooting my own horn, but hey, once a year, I feel I have the right to do that.

Today is birth mothers day. It falls the Saturday before mothers day every year. I think it's quite appropriate that it's the day before mothers day. Because we were the first mothers of our birth children and because of us, our birth childrens mothers get a mothers day.

As my birth son gets older, the decision I made for him because more right every day. When I get pictures of this little boy, all I see is love and happiness. Of course I could have given him love and happiness...but I could not give him an eternal family....or a father....or a stable life. I remember when I was pregnant, when I was still planning on parenting him, I had this strong feeling that he was incredibly special and came to this earth to achieve wonderful things. Of course he could have reached his potential with me raising him, but why take that chance. He COULD reach his potential with me parenting. I wanted...he WILL reach his potential. And I know he will with his family.

Heres where I begin to toot my own horn.....there is a gospel song...it's called "Everything to Me" by Mark Schultz. He is an adoptee who wrote a song about his birth mother. In the song, he talks about how his birth mother gave him everything. I like to feel thats what my birth mother did for me and what I did for my birth son. Everything I have in my life, is because of what Emily did for me. Everything my birth son has, is because the decision I made for him. That gives me great joy.

Birth moms are special. So if you know one, celebrate her. She deserves it!! If you are a fellow birth mom...celebrate yourself.

Here is the "Everything to Me" music video.
This first video is the story behind the song.

This is the actual song. Beautiful

Sneak Peak

2010-04-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have finally taken the time to take a picture of out cute little house!! It is far from done, but is looking so adorable! Our home was built in 1994 and is just under 1200 sq ft. Small, but perfect for us. 3 bedrooms 2 baths. All new tile and wood floors in the bedrooms. We are on a 7000 sq ft lot with a patio. It's looking pretty good, but we still haven't completely unpacked!! With our classes, work, and Sean's music group starting to perform, we have been pretty busy. So, here is a sneak peak of the outside. Inside pictures....to be continued...

Something is in the water!!!

2010-04-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

And apparently I'm not drinking it, because I know at least 13 people that are pregnant right now! What?? That is insane. Normally, like 2 months ago, I probably would have cried. Not that I don't want that person to be happy but because I wanted that too. Anyone who has ever miscarried, got their period when they were "trying" or suffered with infertility understands. BUT.....i'm different now. I'm sure I'll still have the occasional melt down, but I can tell my soul is different. After messaging my good friend Rachel after my last miscarriage, she brought up the fact that I must have a very special spirit that is waiting to come to this family. And in Cancun, as I sat and pondered this, I really feel this to be true. We have a special spirit that needs to come down at a specific time.

In conference on Easter Sunday, their was a speaker (I can't remember who said it), that said, God does fulfill his promises, but in HIS time and HIS way. Man, that is a hard lesson to learn. But that's why faith is so important. And that's why I love this quote so much;

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

~Joseph F. Smith

I can tell you one thing. We are learning patience in the Kilpatrick household. And we know for a fact, when we are blessed with that special spirit, that special spirit will be EXTREMELY loved.

Cancun

2010-04-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

Sean and I have been back from Cancun for over a week. We have been crazy busy and I haven't had time to post anything. Cancun was amazing. There is something so healing about the beach. It's healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had bronchitis the whole time we were there. I mean, I was on the verge of pneumonia! But with a blessing and getting to relax and breath in the ocean air, I did surprisingly well. This was probably the best vacation we have ever taken because we did nothing but relax all day long. Spiritually, I regained my faith in certain things. The beach really healed my soul. I got a chance to REALLY think about certain things. And emotionally, I really began to heal from past tragedies. Sean and I grew closer and our friendship deeper. He truly is an amazing man that I am blessed to call my husband. This was the smoothest trip we have ever had as well. Even with a 2:40 am flight! We flew through customs there and back. Everything went perfect....well besides my bronchitis! It was almost as if Heavenly Father was giving us some extra blessings to make our trip more enjoyable. Here are some of my favorite pictures. Enjoy!

Beautiful Resort!

Me & momma

Sean kindly leading me out into the water

The resort had a croc habitat! It's against the law to kill them, so they just cage them off.

Dancing at a really yummy restaurant.

The pools were amazing! And open 24 hours!

LOVE white sand beaches!

Beautiful pier
Beautiful greenery.

I found a swing!!!!

And I found a funny Mayan statue to mess with!

My throne!

Couches on the beach!

Waiting for our shuttle back to the airport. Ready to face reality again.

Someday

2010-03-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

Someday.....
I will finally have all the boxes unpacked in our house.
Someday.....
Our new home will be perfect.
Someday.....
I will finally be finished with school.
Someday.....
I will lose these 10 extra pounds that seem to love my body WAY too much.
Someday.....
I will be a mother.
But as for today.....
We are going to Cancun(technically not till tomorrow though, because our flight is at 2:40 am! yuck. But we are leaving for the airport tonight). People think we are crazy for traveling so much and I have even had a few "not so nice" remarks. But until certain things change in our lives, we are going to continue to travel. And for all the envious people out there, just remember, you may have something I'm envious of too. So..that being said. ADIOS!

I won! But can I love it??

2010-03-05T23:40:00.000-08:00

Me and 2010 are having a love/hate relationship. I'm an emotional wreck at times and other times I can't stop the over whelming feeling that I'm so blessed. In 3 short months of 2010, I have experienced good and bad on both ends. But, despite our recent loss, the blessings keep pouring in.
I am an avid reader of the r house. If you haven't been to mrs. r's blog, you must! She is an adoption advocate and has the 2 most adorable little boys. I don't know mrs. r personally, but I have cried and laughed right along with her as she experienced the ups and downs of adoption. . Mrs. r and some friends make beautiful adoption jewelry. I have wanted one of her necklaces so bad, but funds were tight with the whole house going through. She posted a giveaway for one of her necklaces.She told of how her family motto for 2009 was "come what may". That's difficult in itself. Can I really just accept everything that is coming my way? Her new motto for 2010 is "come what may and love it". That's even harder. Accepting is one thing, but loving it? I don't know.
So, in her giveaway, she asked what part people were at in their lives. The "come what may" or the "come what may and love it". I entered that I was just in the "come what may." Well.....I WON!!! I don't hardly ever win anything. I am so excited. Mrs. r is going to send me this beautiful necklace.
And when I'm ready to love it, she will send me this one.

Thank you again mrs. r for truly making my week. I have accepted my situation. I have grieved the loss of 3 babies.(yes one is still very well alive and breathing, but I still grieved) But I do not love my situation. I'm hoping this necklace can give me some kind of super power. Super power to fight off tears when I see a pregnant lady or a baby. Fight off the negativeness that sometimes creeps in. This necklace is another blessing in my life. It may seem nonchalant to the rest of the world, but to me, it's special and I will forever treasure it. And I hope one day, I can learn to love it.

Trials and Blessings

2010-02-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

The last week has been obviously hard. Our baby dreams were shattered once again. And, my body decided that it wanted to attack me. I have a sinus infection and a bladder infection. My sinus infection is so bad, I will be on antibiotics for 3 weeks. I jokingly told my doctor yesterday that I should be patient of the year and have my picture on the wall.

Since my ob/gyn won't test me till I've had 3 miscarriages in a row, I'm taking this into my own hands. I have hypothyroidism, which can lead to fertility problems. So, when I saw my endocrinologist yesterday, I mentioned my miscarriage. He said that the miscarriages could be a result of my endocrine system, so he's going to test my estrogen, progesterone, and all the other things that could cause a miscarriage.

Then I went to my wonderful allergist for an allergy shot. He squeezed me in, even though I didn't have an appointment because I was having horrible sinus headaches, and yup, another sinus infection. He x-rayed me and one of my sinus is completely blocked. Lovely right? So, he's worried that I may have an Immune Deficiency Disorder because I get so many sinus infections and sometimes antibiotics don't work. He said that this disorder could cause you to miscarry. So, he tested me for that, and I'll find out about it in a week. So, I'm taking things into my own hands. If all my testing comes back fine, then we'll just go from there.

So, despite the loss of another baby, sickness and getting poked with a lot of needles,

SEAN AND I ARE HOMEOWNERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm just a little excited! Things have been hard, but I have to remember that we are still so blessed. This home was so meant for us. One Sunday, I felt as though we should pay more fast offerings, so we did. A week later, an LDS realtor, Jon Silva, that my parents have used, emailed Sean that he wanted to help us find a house. (We had been going through another lady). So, we met with Jon 2 days later. We thought it was just going to be a meeting, but he had 5 houses to show us. We saw one and felt kinda of good about it. But then we saw OUR home. We felt the Spirit pretty quick and knew we wanted to make an offer. So, we did and the bank counter offered the next day! Jon was shocked because banks usually don't counter offer until they have many offers. Everything went smoothly and we had zero issues. We got the keys on Friday and we are having some cosmetic work done on it before we move in. I will post pictures soon of our first home!

I am quite aware that in the mist of tragedy, the Lord will still bless you.

I know it's late but....

2010-02-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Belated Birthday to my mother in law Pam (her birthday is Valentines Day)! You have been a great mommy in law to me and I look forward to many MANY more year with you.

And Happy Belated Valenitnes Day. I'm so blessed to have Sean as a husband. This year was the worst Valenitnes yet. Are you confused yet? I have the best husband, yet I had the worst Valentines Day? This is pretty personal and I wasn't going to share, but maybe my story can help someone else.

Sean and I have suffered another miscarriage. This one was earlier then the last one, but still emotionally painful. I started bleeding at church, so Sean took me to Urgent Care, which was horrilbe( we were there for 5 hours). But despite being the worst Valentines ever, I have the best husband who loves me more then anything and is so wonderful and supportive. We are trying to have faith that our time will come soon. And we are hoping for a better Valentines Day next year.

There is nothing better than a man you can lean on.

NOTE TO ALL MY BLOG READERS

2010-02-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

So whoever keeps posting weird comments under anonymous on my blog, you have now been blocked. No more anonymous comments. I don't mind keeping my blog open for blog stalking and adoption information. But I do mind when people leave degrading or weird comments. This is NOT a political, educational, business, blog. It's MY personal blog! I don't mind sharing my experiences with people, but because of all the weird comments I've been getting, I now have taken my nieces and nephews off my blog. One day I will make it private, but today is not the day. SOOOO...that being said, I don't mind strangers reading my blog because they find some information interesting, but no more weird comments. It's freaking me out!

Poetry and Grief

2010-02-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

Grief is a part of being a birth mother. I went through all the stages of grief. While I was in my darkest hours, something that helped was writing poetry. To this day, if I read a poem I wrote during that time, I break down. Because I all to clearly, remember the grief behind it. While going through our filing cabinet today, I decided to look through our folder labeled "adoption", which contains my relinquishment papers, cards from friends, adoption pamphlets and some of my poetry. My first mothers day after "J" was born, was particularly hard. I called "J"s mom just to see how he was doing. Of course his mom was so sweet and understanding. Well, apparently I wrote "J"s mom a mothers day poem that first mothers day, but I never sent it to her! It was a rough draft that I wrote and I don't know why I didn't send it, but I wanted to share it with you.

We are two different women
Living miles apart
but the same little boy
stole our heart.
You were praying for a child
the chance to be called mother.
I was praying for an answer
if to give my child to another.
Now you are a mommy
on your first Mothers Day.
Now I am a birth mom
and will celebrate in a different way.
We are both mommy's
to our little boy
Being two different mommy's
Brings us both great joy.
For you will raise him in your home
with such great love and care.
I will raise him in my heart
For he will forever reside there.
As we celebrate, our first Mothers Day,
We can both thank motherhood
for helping us find our way.

El Nino.....HA!

2010-01-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

A little rain never scared me! So, when Olia called and thought that we needed a trip to Disneyland, I agreed, rain or shine! We decided Martin Luther King Day was perfect. It's never packed on that day, since only federal and school employees have it off, plus the forecast made it even better. Raining cats and dogs was an understatement. But never the less, we went, walked on practically every ride, and had a great time!

Enlarge this picture and you can get a picture of how hard it was raining. Can you see me and Olia??

Sean was a bad boy, and this was the outcome of his behavior.

Tom was also bad and therefore.....doomed!

After the rain stopped, and our clothes went from drenched to damp, Olia and I decided that we needed to go on Splash Mountain. Of course they put us in the front. And of course, we got drenched again! Great fun!

CHEESE!!!!

2010-01-10T19:44:00.000-08:00

I love photography and photo editing. I am always making Sean pose one way or another so I can capture a shot. Sometimes I will drag (even though he loves it) Sean on "photo shoots" so I can edit the pictures. I am by no means close to being a professional photographer. It's just something that I do for fun. Here are some pictures that Sean and I took with our new camera. I edited them myself as well, using a different editing technique with each one. They are meant to be artsy and fun. Hopefully in the future I can do a little something with this hobby I love.

Hawaii

2010-01-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

Our trip to Hawaii was AMAZING! For Christmas, Sean, my parents and I spent the day watching Christmas movies, reading about the birth of the Savior and just being together. Sean and I had a little something for my parents, but that was it. It's nice to not have all the presents sometimes. It makes Christmas mean a little more. BUT...we did have our pineapple Christmas tree, as you can see in one of the pictures.

I took a little over 400 pictures on this trip. A lot...I know. But I did get a new camera from Sean and myself for Christmas. It was our gift to each other. So I had to get good use out of it. Sean and I also went kayaking, a hike through the jungle and went to a waterfall. We bought a water proof camera for that and are having issues getting those pictures back. But as soon as I get them...I will post them.

Here are a few pictures that I especially liked.
Enjoy!

Out with old...in with the new...YEAR!!

2009-12-31T14:45:00.000-08:00

We got back from Hawaii a few days ago. It was AMAZING! It was my 4th time visiting the Islands and Sean's first. I will post pictures in a later post.

I still can't believe this year is over. It has gone very quickly. 2009 was a good year. I have learned a lot and I'm grateful for the blessings that 2009 brought.

Some highlights of 2009:

In 2009 Sean and I had the opportunity to travel a lot. Outside of California we traveled too:Cancun Mexico
Las Vegas
Dallas/Lewisville Texas
Kauai Hawaii

Sean and I both started back up in school last spring semester. 20 more units for me till I get my Bachelors!

Sean and his hip hop group Color Free finished their album, which you can buy on itunes or amazon.com!

We got approved for a house! We are taking our time looking and putting the situation in the hands of the our Father in Heaven. He will let us know when it's the right one.

It's always bitter sweet ending a new year and beginning a new one. 2009 was actually one of the easier and happiest years I've had in a while. I just pray that 2010 will bring happiness and hope to me and everyone else.

Just Relax.....

2009-12-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

This is where Sean and I will be tomorrow for 13 days. Kauai.(My parents will join us in 2 days) This has been a VERY busy semester with work, school, church and everything else in between. I can not wait to do absolutely nothing and just relax. See you in 13 days!

So many emotions!!

2009-12-09T18:01:00.000-08:00

I have felt many different emotions today. Today at work, a good friend of mine told me something that was very disheartening. I have worked at Highland High School for almost 3 years. Lately, I was curious to know if there have ever been any rumors about me. (Our school is known for the rumor mill). So I asked my friend if she had ever heard any. Thinking that I already knew this rumor, she told me. It was a HORRIBLE rumor! So horrible that I won't even repeat it to you. Another friend had heard this same rumor as well. They both knew it wasn't true and they said it started when I first started working there. I try my hardest to be a Godly woman at work. This rumor.....no Godly woman would be apart of. My first initial reaction was:

Shock

The rumor is so far fetched, that I was shocked that someone would even think of spreading something like that. Also, if it started when I first started working, that means the person didn't even know me! SHOCKING!! My next emotion:

Anger

WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE!?! My friends would not tell me who said it. Which was probably for the best. I'm known for confronting people who have said things about me, or done me wrong. Best believe I would have confronted this person. But I also have a feeling they don't work at our school anymore. My next feeling:

Hurt

How can anyone not be hurt by rumors? They are horrible and I have always refused to be apart of them, because I have been a victim before. My next emotion:

Amusement

I feel sorry for this person. I feel sorry for their sad life. Their life that apparently revolves around bringing others down to bring themselves up. What a sad sad life. At the same time, it amuses me that they would try to say something so ridiculous, that despite being hurtful, is still pretty laughable.

So, I'm pretty much over it, but I will say the shock is still there. Please don't spread rumors. Don't name call, or back stab. Why do women do these things to each other? We are all daughters of God. Lets treat each other that way. Jealously is so ugly. Instead of jealously, why don't we look for the good. All people have it. As for me, I will never know who started this hurtful rumor at my "professional" job. All I can do is continue to try to do the right thing and make sure that if someone tells me a rumor, it stops with me.

P*S* I used the cat images because at one point in our relationship, Sean was asked what animal I reminded him of the most, and he said cats in general....tigers, cheetahs, lions...you get the picture!

Our lives captured

2009-12-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

New Moon with my sissy! Yes i'm wearing an Edward shirt!

Sean and his other lady, Sophia

Laker Game with the hubby and Junior!

Last Day of National Adoption Month

2009-11-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

It's the last day of National Adoption Month. So, one more highlight on the subject.

Adoption

To some, it's an answered prayer. To others, it's a word of hurt and loss. I don't like the fact that some people have such negative thoughts about adoption. Why? Because it's who I am. Someone saying something bad about adoption is basically saying something bad about me. I read something recently that said adopted children have "mental problems". (Ok it didn't say "mental problems" per say, but it alluded to it). Hmmmmmm.....I don't feel crazy. In fact, I feel I'm highly intelligent. My brothers are well rounded and intelligent as well. I didn't like reading that comment. But the woman who wrote it was a birth mom, a very hurt birth mom.

There is a problem in adoption that I don't like. Adoptive parents not keeping their promises and birth parents not keeping theirs. I also read recently about an adoptive parent that did not keep her promise to their birth mom. But after a few years and becoming more educated about adoption, realized she was wrong. I understand that people make mistakes. We should forgive despite the hurt we feel. But when birth parents and adoptive parents refuse to keep their promises to each other, I don't like that. Adoption is about compromise. It's doing whats best for ALL parties, not just one or the other. Most of all, it's about doing what's best for the child.

One more problem in adoption...

There was a time when birth mothers were forced in placing their children. These women are hurt and often these are the women that talk bad about adoption. I can feel their pain. To be forced into such a life changing decision, against what you feel, is very wrong. Their hurt is understandable. But do I think they should bad mouth ALL adoptions? No. That's like saying all one religion or race is bad, just because you had a bad experience with something. For example, I had an AMAZING experience getting an epidural when I was in labor. My sister in law did not have a good experience. Ask us both about epidurals, and we will give you two sides. Does it mean that EVERY SINGLE epidural turns out horrible?? No. Just two different experiences.

Adoption is a touchy subject. I wish there was nothing but good when it comes to adoption. Shame on people that have no experience in adoption, yet still feel the need to bad mouth it. Shame on you! Adoption should be a beautiful thing and when people bad mouth it, they take some of that beauty away.

Adoption is different to many people. I can only tell you my experience. You may have had a bad one, and for that I'm truly sorry. Adoption should not be bad. It should be one of sacrifice, love, hope and courage.

Adoptive parents, I have so much respect for you. Most adoptive parents have struggled with infertility or they are infertile. The pain you must have felt to find out your body turned against you. My heart aches for you. After you have grieved, you find a new found hope; adoption.

Birth parents, especially birth moms, oh how I love you. I know exactly how you feel. The sacrifice you made for the one you love, the pain of letting go. I have been there, and I have cried with you.

Adopted children. You are very loved. I feel the extra love. I had a birth mother thinking of my everyday for 22 years before I even met her. It was an awesome feeling knowing I had a set of extra people rooting for me. You are special and loved by so many.

Adoption has made me who I am, and for that, I am grateful.

Its National Adoption Month: I'm a birth mom!

2009-11-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

I have thought a lot about how I wanted to address this post. I know some people that read my blog, don't know the story about how I became a birth mom. BUT...I decided that I didn't want to blog about that at this particular time. Instead, I thought it more appropriate to talk about what it has been like to be a birth mom.

Never in a MILLION years did I ever think I would be a birth mom. Not because I think bad of birth moms, but because I never thought I would end up with an unplanned pregnancy. For those that don't know, I decided on adoption 2 weeks before I was due with "J". His adoptive parents are people that I knew before, I'll call them "Mr. & Mrs. S". Anyways....since I had waited so long to make a decision, I was already VERY attached to J. I don't think any woman can not get attached at some point. I didn't sleep those few nights I had alone with J in the hospital. I wanted every waking minute with him. I spent so much time with him that the nurses had a bet that I'd change my mind. (I'm glad my mother told me that AFTER I left the hospital. I probably would have gone off if I'd known then). I wanted those moments with him. They were MY moments. Did it make it harder....maybe. I'm not sure because I didn't do it the other way. But I know that I am SOOOO happy I had those moments in those 3 days.

The hardest part about being a birth mom, is essentially, you are breaking your own heart. No one chooses to get a broken heart. Usually, it's because someone else decides to break it for you. So, when you decide to do it yourself, it can be very painful. The hardest day for me, was the day right after placement. The only reason I slept the first night away from J, was out of pure exhaustion. But when I woke up, I felt as though I was going to die. I can not describe the pain I felt in my heart. That is the emotional pain that reminds me that I can get through anything.

The pain does subside, but it will never fully go away. How could it? I wouldn't want it to. The pain reminds me of the great thing I did. I helped change someone's life. I was able to change my own life. I was able to give someone a great gift. The pain is there as a reminder that I will always love this little boy. I still cry, after 3 years, but not as much. But I tell Sean I need to cry about it every now and again. It's cleansing....it's healing.

People think I'm special. Now, before you think I'm getting arrogant....let me explain. I have had 2 people tell me that I'm different then other birth moms. That I'm one of the only ones that actually loved my baby. That most women do it for money, or just don't care.....ummm...excuse me?!? I get highly defensive of other birth moms when negative things are said. I have NEVER met a birth mom that did not care for her child. And lets just say that a birth mom was choosing adoption because she just didn't want a kid....isn't that better then the mother that keeps her child, but parties so much that the kid ends up being taken away anyway?! Despite the reasons that a birth mother has for choosing adoption, she is still putting the child above herself. It takes a special woman to be a birth mom. So, when someone puts one down, I feel it's a personal attack.

People are still shocked when they find out I'm a birth mom. I want people to know because I want people to see the other side of adoption. I want ignorant people to see that birth moms aren't these irresponsible people. I want girls faced with unplanned pregnancies to know that adoption is a beautiful choice...yes it's hard....but it's still beautiful and so worth it.

Choosing adoption is the hard choice. It takes a great deal of courage to break your own heart. The only way I know that I was able to do that, was that I was able to step out of myself for one split second, and really look at what I was doing. All it took was one second for me to realize that I wanted J to have the best. One second for me to realize that Mr. and Mrs. S needed to be his parents. A million prayers were answered in one second.

I never thought in a million years that I would be a birth mom. But I'm so glad that I am.

Me and my mom visiting with J when he was 4 days old.

*for the curious people, I do get letters and pictures twice a year...and I will not show newer pictures of J....but just for the record..and I'm not being biased....he is one GOOD LOOKING KID!! *

Family Pictures

2009-11-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

A looonnnggg time ago,(May), Sean and I wanted to get family pictures done with his family. So, we did. We used our family friend Brad Smith. He did our wedding and sealing. He is AMAZING! We were broke over the summer, so we didn't get them until October and I have been too busy to post them. So here there are!! FINALLY! I highly recommend Brad. He is our photographer for life! He is located in Santa Clarita. Go check out his website; bradsmithstudios.com

This was one of our "funny ones". Don't mess wit our "wood". haha

My beautiful family. We even got grandpa in the picture!

The kids! Love my hubby, sis and brothers!

Isn't this picture sweet? I love seeing these guys together. There is such a strong bond.

New Moon!!

2009-11-20T09:44:00.001-08:00

I went to the Midnight showing of "New Moon" last night (this morning). We were scheduled to see the 12:01 showing, but they had this deal, if you bought a ticket for $5, you got to see Twilight at 9. Then we would be the first people ushered into the 12:20 showing. HECK YA!! I'll pay $5 extra bucks to not stand in the freezing cold outside and to watch Twilight again! I got the the theater at 3 pm and left at almost 3 am! 12 hours....i'm crazy right??

So, I won't give anything away...but it was AMAZING! Made way better then Twilight. And it was kind of overwhelming. Because it was shot so much better. There was more color and you could tell they had more money. So, it was almost like I was watching a completely different movie, not the sequel to Twilight. It followed the book better then Twilight did. I don't want to say to much, but it does leave you a TAD bit antsy for more at the end! he he! Eclipse comes out June 30th 2010! They already had the poster for it up in the theater! Can't wait. For now, I'll just have to go see New Moon again!!

Man Am I Frustrated!!!!

2009-11-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Mr. Kilpatrick(Sean) here. I just had some things on my mind. I dont know how many thoughts, or what exactly I am going to type here in this blog, but Im very annoyed. Well at this time, I just feel the need to rant!!! I am an avid watcher and big fan of GLENN BECK!! I dont care if you agree with him and what his views are,or whether you like him/hate him, thats my dood. Anyway, I was watching todays show(on Fox News...direct tv ch. 360 @ 2pm and 11pm). He was covering the rediculous things going on in the economy Nation wide, and even here in California. As the show was going on I was doing some deep thinking myself, and what came to mind was...WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!!!!! There is alot of shady selfish crap going on, in our government, and it supposidly is all in the name of Helping the citizens of the United States. No it's not!!! The ding bats handling the California budget think it's a good idea to withhold an additional 10% of the money that hard working individuals make, to help close the horrific budget defecit. Our Gover-nator thinks that instead of limiting the privledges and benefits in the prisons(tv, internet, better health care then some law abiding citizens, and even coffee machines) that inmates get, that we should shorten prison terms. Are you for real!?!??!?

The President and those in charge of our U.S. financial decisions, feel so strongly that we must BAILOUT failing corporations. I got news for anyone that voted for Obama because he was gonna help them out. And I got news for those who voted for him and claim to be so for the little guy and hates big evil Corporations for their greediness...Obama bailed out those EVIL Corporations with Billions of our tax dollars...what did Obama do for you??? Sure some might say, he extended un-employment benefits. Really, thats cool, but do you have a job yet??? Maybe you just like getting a free check in the mail. Oh and about that free check...it aint really FREE. The money for that check, comes from hard working Americans that actually have jobs and pay their taxes(unlike Congressman Charlie Rangel or Obama's Tresury Secretary Tim Gietner who forget to file/pay their taxes).

There are so many people that are so eager to jump on and support a government program or option if they are told it's free. Let me tell you something, anything that you are told is coming from the Government or that the Government claims is FREE, is NOT really FREE!!!! The money to cover that so called FREE option, program, or hand out or HAHA bailout(oh yeah and Free government run health care) or whatever, must come from some where. Can you guess where it comes from most of the time??? If you said TAXPAYERS, you are correct. According to ABC news, as well as yes Glenn Beck, the Cash For Clunkers program resulted in an estimated $24,000 bill per new vehicle to the American tax payer???

There are so many issues I can speak on. I really can. But it's 10:50pm and I have a job to go to in the morning to go EARN my income. I dont have any FREE checks coming to me, and my employer aint gonna pay me for doing nothing. But I just wanted to make my feelings known to who ever will partake. I may be wrong on some issues, but Im a pretty open minded, common sense, logic driven type of person, that cares about my future and the well being of my family. There are those that will call me stupid and crazy for liking and listening to Glenn Beck. But for those that maybe riding the fence on if the man is for real, I strongly urge you to watch him. Watch him for like a week straight at least. And if you dont think he makes sence, or you really think you can prove his theories to be incorrect, then you really need to open your eyes, cause the situation in our country Sucks!! It could be worse yes, but it really sucks right now. For anyone that feels Obama and his administration are helping our country, I challenge you to explain it to yourself out loud, and see if you dont sound like a complete idiot.

I hope this blog has helped anyone that feels alone in their frustration. If this blog offended anyone, then you need to humble yourself and use this moment to start realizing that im not attacking you but attacking your thinking that the more government involvment we have in our lives, the more we as a people are actually limited from true progression, and happiness.

Thank you for reading...

26 & counting

2009-11-14T09:47:00.000-08:00

Today is Seans 26th birthday! He finally caught up to me(i'm 2 1/2 months older). In honor of the man I love so dearly, I came up with 26 reasons why I love him so much and what makes him so great!(in no particular order.) (And I stole this from him.)
1. He is INCREDIBLY good looking.
2. He doesn't realize how good looking he is.
3. He has such a kind heart.
4. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.
5. He can be anyones friend.
6. He is quite the comedian.
7. He makes me laugh everyday.
8. He makes his group Color Free all that much better just because he is in it.(You can now buy their music on itunes!!)
9. He is great at writing lyrics and putting his thoughts and emotions down on paper.
10. He has a strong testimony of the love of Jesus Christ.
11. He is an worthy priesthood holder.
12. He loves me with such a passion.
13. He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful, every single day.
14. He can't wait to be a daddy.
15. He is a great uncle and loves his nieces and nephews so much.
16. He loves his and my families.
17. He wants to take care of me and our future children.
18. He has a great taste in music.
19. He can change the oil in our cars!
20. He loves to go shopping.
21. He fulfills his callings in church.
22. He always tells me the truth, even if it means I'll be mad.
23. He loves the Lakers.
24. He would do anything to make me happy.
25. He is so humble about how wonderful he is.
26. He married me still, even though I'm sick all the time! =)

Thank you Sean for being on the path you were on, that led you to me. Life wouldn't be as fun if you were not in it. You have shown me the greatest kind of love. Thank you baby for being you and for loving me! I love you and Happy Birthday!!

You Are Wonderful!!!

2009-11-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Sierra…My Wonderful Wife,

I wanted to take some time to share some feelings with you. I was in the bedroom cleaning up and I started thinking about my birthday coming up this weekend. I thought about how me being born made it possible for us to get married, and how happy that has made you. Well it got me thinking of how happy we are together. Right now you are at the college working on a dance routine for a show so it’s giving me an opportunity to think and reflect being here at home without you. I feel so very pleased to have such an awesome women in my life. Even more than that, I have been so blessed with such a wonderful daughter of God!! You truly are My Angel(I don’t mean to sound too corny, but for real)!!! You have become my absolute best friend in the whole world. You help define what makes me a good guy because your happiness in life in many ways I guess, reflects the decent job I am doing as your husband. You make me stronger. The way you care about me, and look out for me, helps me to better look out for myself. You are so selfless with your love. You are always so concerned for me and always hope im doing well…Really, you just want the best for me!!!

I know at times you feel over looked by others, but trust me if that is the case unfortunately they are missing out on a great amazing friendship with a truly amazing women. Even though there are many goals I want to accomplish, and things I want to experience, my greatest hope and most fulfilling Goal will eternally on going…and that is to make you Happy!!!! I plead for your forgiveness in times when I fall short or I let you down as a man, spouse, and companion. The best part about having you as my wife is that I know and can feel your forgiveness for things I have not even done yet. You care so much about us and our bond as man ands wife that you always let me know how sorry you are for things, even when I may be more at fault. That bond and the happiness it brings is also what causes me to admit when I do wrong. Writing my feelings at this time, is a little bit of a challenge in a way because it’s tough to find ways to verbally express how I feel about you. My feelings run so deep. As I picture your face in my mind, I see that Beautiful smile of yours!! Man does that visual make me happy. As I think about us having our own children together I get real excited and anxious, knowing that even though it wont be an easy task, for some reason I know we will make it the most enjoyable experience of our lives. I cannot imagine even for a minute anyone being more suited and loving to be the Mother of my children. You just have so much love in your heart.

I just want to hold you, and kiss you, and just tell you how much you mean to me!! I just want you to smile everyday, and know in your heart and mind that I love you with all my heart. Im sorry for the times, when I act more like a man that your loving husband, but that’s just part of my imperfection as a human being, and part of my learning experience here on Earth.

Baby thank you!!! Thank You for all of your support and all of your love!!! You truly do make me the happiest man in the World!!!!

Love,
Sean, Your Husband

National Adoption Month: I'm Adopted!

2009-11-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

It's National Adoption Month! YAY! A few of my "adoption" friends have already starting blogging about adoption, so I only felt it right that I do the same. I'll be doing a few posts about adoption this month. My first topic is going to be about me being adopted.

I was adopted when I was born. My birth mother Emily was a beautiful young woman, while despite some drama getting to my actual birth, choose adoption and our Father in Heaven lead her to my parents.

I always knew I was adopted. My parents NEVER hid that from us. (My 3 brothers are adopted as well). All I had from my birth mother was a letter that she had written me. I had no idea what she looked like. But one thing my mother always instilled in me, was how much she loved me. "You are extra loved", she would say. Emily wrote me a beautiful letter about how she wanted a better life for me. Even though I didn't know all the details about why she chose adoption, I didn't need to know. I knew that she loved me and that was all I needed to know.

I knew that Emily would be easy to find. Emily's sister, Becky, married my moms cousin. Confusing right? So my mom and I are kinda like cousins through marriage! I had planned to meet her when I graduated high school. But for some reason, it never happened. As my life progressed, and things got bad for me. I ended up with my own unplanned pregnancy. After choosing adoption for my own son,(which I will discuss in a later post), I decided it was time to meet Emily. She knew exactly what I was going through because she had done the same thing!

When Emily and I first talked on the phone, it was surreal. I had always wanted to meet this woman. The woman that sacrificed for me and gave me my wonderful life. It's hard to explain the gratitude you feel for someone who gave you such a wonderful gift. She was completely understanding of my situation, and from then on, we have continued our relationship. She answered almost every question I had. The only ones she didn't answer were the ones she couldn't remember. I found out that my birth father was Hispanic, which a lot of people already assumed but it was never confirmed. I knew I had a younger half brother, who I now have a relationship with as well. I was able to find out all the events that lead to my birth.

Emily was at my wedding. She was there when I first went to the temple. We send cards and call. At my wedding, people could not believe that Emily was there and that really irritated me. Some people had the nerve to ask my mother if it bothered her that Emily was there. OF COURSE NOT!! My mom is not threatened by Emily and vice versa. We all know the place that we have in each others lives, and no one ever tries to step on anyone toes. My mom has a great deal of love and respect for Emily because with out her, she would not have a daughter.

I love being adopted. It has truly shown me that I can love anyone, blood or not, as if they were my family. Blood doesn't matter. We are all God's children. And I'm just lucky enough to have a mom and a birth mom. And it doesn't get any better then that!

This was the day my adoption was finalized when I was a year old.

Emily, James(my half brother) and I at my wedding.

beware if you are afraid of clowns!!!

2009-11-05T19:07:00.000-08:00

hahahaha..this picture makes me laugh! Halloween '09

celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. Sean surprised me at work with the roses that are behind us! 11/02/2009

Warning...mushiness ahead!

2009-11-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

2 years ago today I married my best friend. Heavenly Father knew exactly the kind of guy I needed and exactly the type of woman Sean needed, and he found a way to get us together. I love Sean more and more everyday. Our relationship just keeps getting better. I never thought that I could possibly love him more, but I know my love for him will just keep growing. He makes me feel so beautiful and loved and he is always putting my happiness above his own. Example....One day recently, I got sick at work. We work at the same high school so we drive together. Sean took his lunch to take me home. On the way home I said, "Sorry you have to use your lunch to drive me home." His response. "Its ok. I would do anything for you." You see why I love this man so much!!!

He is perfect and I'm pretty biased, but I think I got the best husband in the whole universe! I love you Sean.

Still, 3 years later....

2009-10-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Still, after 3 years, I find myself mourning my birth son. It is the strangest thing(and not that strange at the same time). I have had answered prayers that he is where he is suppose to be, but sometimes, out of the middle of no where, I will begin to cry about it again. Tonight is one of those nights. I heard some news, which made me think of him. Then the tears. I think of him all the time, and no tears flow, but not tonight. Tonight I needed to mourn him again. I do realize this is still a part of the healing process. I think I will be healing my entire life. It is something you never get over, but it does get easier. It is just very strange when it comes on so suddenly. People probably think I'm crazy. 'How can she be so sure about her decision, yet cry about it?'(no on has ever said this to me, but I'm sure someone has thought it). Well, YOU carry a baby for nine months and place them in someone else's arms and see how quick you get over it.(sorry for the harshness, but this does need to be said to some people)

It may be the right choice, but it is not the easy one.

Honestly, I feel better now.

Faith Hope & Love

2009-10-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Faith "The Apostle Paul taught that "faith is the substance [assurance] of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). Alma made a similar statement: "If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21). Faith is a principle of action and power. Whenever we work toward a worthy goal, we exercise faith. We show our hope for something that we cannot yet see." lds.org
Hope "Hope is the confident expectation of and longing for the promised blessings of righteousness. The scriptures often speak of hope as anticipation of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ." lds.org

Faith and hope are two things that I have alway felt strong in. Lately, I sometimes have felt a lack of faith and hope. Could this just be the adversary trying to discourage me? Of course. So, I turned to our Father in Heaven and asked him to give me faith and hope. The funny thing is, usually God will give us these things, but not in the way we think.

If you ask for strength, He will give you a situation to make you stronger.

If you ask for courage, He will give you a situation that will make you more courageous.

If you ask for faith and hope, He will try your faith, in an effort to make you be more faithful.

So, despite personal struggles I have had lately, I have faith. I have hope that Heavenly Father will grant me the righteous desires of my heart. God is teaching me how to have faith in him. And though it is not the easiest lesson, I know that it is worth it. So, have faith, hope and love in Heavenly Father and in His Son Jesus Christ. They are listening. And sometimes the anwsers are not we what expect or what we want, they are what we need. God knows us better then we know ourselves, and I have faith in Him that He knows whats best for me.

Fall is more than just cool air

2009-09-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Fall is back to school and/or work, in my case.
Fall is cute layers.
Fall is cute boots.
Fall is crisp mornings and beautiful afternoons.
Fall is sports!!
I may be a girly girl, but growing up with all brothers, I do love my sports.
Some of our favorite teams include:
USC (Football)
Boise State (Football)
BYU (Football)
49ners
Dodgers
Lakers
Utah State (Basketball) Ok, this one is really just me because USU is my school!

Here is my snazzy new blanket I got for Sean and I to snuggle in during the USC games. I hope to collect them for all of our teams.

EEEEEEE!!!!!

2009-09-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I'm a total Twilight nerd and I seriously act like a 13 year old girl when it comes to the saga. But I'm soooooooooooo excited about the "New Moon" movie coming out on November 20th. Two months from today, I will be standing in line, at this very moment, waiting to see the midnight showing. And guess what?? I just bought my ticket!! Can you believe that they are already on sale?? The Valencia midnight showings are already sold out! So, i'm glad I got one for the AV! Two months can't come soon enough!! In case you have missed out on the AWESOME new trailor...here it is for your viewing pleasure!

Visiting Texas and meeting Korbyn

2009-09-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

Sean and I, along with my parents, had the opportunity to go to Lewisville Texas, which is a suburb of Dallas, to visit my brother and sister in law and meet Korbyn. Chantell and Elden are proud parents and so is big brother Anthony. Sean and my dad also had the chance to bless Korbyn, which was beautiful! It was a short 3 day trip, but I'm so glad we went. Korbyn is beautiful and sweet and we can't wait to see what he'll grow up to be!

My birthday week

2009-09-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Getting some birthday lovin at Bjs

Sean knows what I like....forever 21!!

Celebrating on my actual birthday at Uncle Charlies house in LA

Celebrating at work!

Dodger game!!

Love that Dodger Blue!

Birthday shopping and dinner trip with my girlfriends! I had to use those forever 21 gift cards!

I had a great 26th birthday this year! It's strange that I am now closer to 30 than I am to 20. Yet I still feel like I was 16 yesterday! Life goes by quick and thats why I always try to savor each age and really enjoy it. 25 was my favorite year so far. So...bring it on 26!!

Busy Busy

2009-09-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have been extremely busy since my birthday. With school, work, doctor appointments, birthday celebrations, weddings, I've barely had a second to breath! I have a bunch of pictures to post, when I get a chance. I'm in Texas right now seeing my new nephew Korbyn. He is so sweet! At this very moment, he is sleeping soundly in Sean's arms. Sean is going to make a good daddy!

26 THINGS I LOVE

2009-08-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

It's me Sean Kilpatrick, Sierra's husband. This is the first blog I've written on here. What better topic to use for my first blog than my WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, WIFE!!! She is 26 years old today. I want to take this time to write out 26 things I love about her. I've already told you that she is wonderful and beautiful, but trust me I can go on for days about her. Here are just a few things that I love about my wife Sierra Kilpatrick...

26 things I love about Sierra:

1. She understands that she is a true daughter of God
2. She has a great, and in-depth testimony about our Savior Jesus Christ and the love he has for all of us
3. She really loves our family(both sides), and is concerned about their well being
4. She looks forward to the day when we can have our own children(she wants to be a full time Mommy so bad)
5. She is a BIRTH MOM
6. She has never regretted being a Birth Mom
7. She strives to be a better person each day of her life
8. She always has good advise when you need it, and even when you don't think you need it
9. She is a great listener
10. She can be a friend to anybody
11. She is a huge Laker fan
12. She has great Fashion and Style sense
13. She is a very classy women
14. She helps make sure we live within our means
15. She loves watching movies
16. She loves going to the beach
17. She has opened my eyes to how great vacationing really is
18. She is respectful to others
19. She is supportive, but will give you her real opinion
20. She has great intuition about other people
21. She loves animals
22. She loves new born babies
23. She loves COLOR FREE(www.facebook.com/colorfree)
24. She has great morals and values
25. She has always been faithful
26. And because of #25, I love Sierra because I know that she loves me!!!!

Happy Birthday Sierra...I love you so much!!! If it wasn't for you being brought into this world 26 years ago today, I'm not so sure I would have the extreme level of happiness that have right now in my life. The Lord has truly blessed this world with an amazing human being, and I am lucky to call you mine.
Thank you, thank you, and thank you for all that you are!!!!!!

We have a new nephew!

2009-08-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Korbyn Parley Thompson was born at 6:47 this morning in Texas, weighing in at 7 lbs 7 oz. Mom and baby are doing great. Congratulations to my little brother Elden (by the way..i can't believe your a dad), and to my beautiful sister in law Chantell. I know Korbyn is going to be one cute kid! Sean and I are flying out to Texas in 2 weeks to meet our brand new nephew! Can't wait!

I love.....

2009-08-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

my family

They make me laugh

Once upon a time.....

2009-08-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

In a far away land...called....the Ukraine, a beautiful woman named Nina gave birth, on this very day, to a beautiful baby girl, she called Olga. As Olga grew, she dreamed of a far away land called the United States. One day, she met a handsome prince and he wanted to marry her and bring her to the enchanted land she had always dreamed of. He married her, they had two little princess's and now even have a castle of their very own. Today is Olga...AKA Olia's birthday! Happy Birthday to my beautiful and wonderful sister in law! Life is better with you in it! We both love you!

Not just a sister, a best friend.

BUSY weekend!

2009-08-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

Sean and I had a busy weekend. I'm still recovering! Thats why it's taken me till Wednesday to even post! Friday, we went to Seans good friend, Ryan Gardiners, wedding open house. Ryan and his new wife Stephanie were sealed the week before. Unfortunately, we missed their sealing due to work...boo. But we were very happy to see their love in person.

The new Mr & Mrs Ryan Gardiner! Adorable!

Saturday, we went clubbing. Now, I'm not a big clubber, but Seans brother Ohre has been promoting. One of my best friends, Amanda, came down from Idaho. Another friend from Boston came down for another wedding on Sunday. So...since it was free, because of Ohre, we decided to go.

My lady friends

My ADORABLE co-worker and friend Katherine! She knows all my work woes!

Amanda Mitton
One of my best friends, my eternal sista, AND my longest friend. We are going on 20 years!

The guys

Then on Sunday, another member of Color Free got married. Trevor Field, AKA "Sneaky Pete" was married to Alex. It was a beautiful ceremony in Santa Barbara and a beautiful reception. I just wished we could have stayed longer, but we had to get back for work the next day...even though we didn't get home till after midnight! Seeing all the love this weekend really made me appreciate and love Sean more. What a wonderful man I have! And what a wonderful experience to see other people who are in love too!

Beautiful ceremony! And a beautiful couple!

The newlyweds!

Color Free! Now that 2 members of the group are married...we gotta get Joonz married off!

Happy Birthday To A Special Little Boy

2009-08-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

3 years ago today, was the happiest day of my life. 3 years ago today, was the hardest day of my life. 3 years ago today, was when I found out what I was really made of. 3 years ago today, I learned what true selfless love is. 3 years ago today, I literally had to let the Savior carry me. 3 years ago today, I looked into the eyes of an angel. 3 years ago today, my birth son was born.

I love being a birth mom. It is not an easy calling, but it is worth it. As hard as it was, if I could turn back time, I would have still made the same choice. He is where he is suppose to be. The eternal aspect of it all, we are all family anyway. Happy Birthday to my little angel. May your 3rd year be as happy as you make me. I love you.

My water had just broke. Almost ready to pop!

The first time I held him. He was perfect. I will forever cherish these memories.

Highlights from our last weeks of summer

2009-08-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Me and Jakk cheesin it up

Practicing for their model careers

Some very good looking men

Chillin with my beautiful girls

Bonfire in Huntington with the Foxs

Burnt Marshmellows in the HB. YUM

The best donut in the world...and my last one for many moons.

The beach

Summer Break is almost over!

2009-07-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

My summer break is quickly coming to an end. Sean and I will be returning to work on Monday for training and then the high schools start on Monday August 10th. Were did the summer go?! Despite feeling like I need a longer break from work, I am glad to go back. I got a raise and Sean got promoted to a higher postition in the district. So, we are really excited for our higher paychecks! I have a feeling this next school year at work will have a lot of things happen before the school year is over. We may try and get pregnant during the school year. We are some what house hunting. We found one we really like....so we will see what happens. By the end of the school year, I will be closer to being done with my own degree. Seans group Color Free will either take off in the next year, or it won't....but i'm pretty positive they will! I'm just really excited to see what this next year holds. A lot can happen in a school year, and I'm ready for it!!

Adoption

2009-07-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just got finished watching the season finale of "16 and Pregnant" on MTV. This show really bothered me at first. I felt in a way, it was glorifying teen pregnancy. But the season finale was one that I didn't want to miss. It aired on Thursday and I DVR'd it. The girl and her boyfriend decided to place their daughter for adoption, against their families wishes. These two kids are so mature beyond their years. Having ZERO support from their families, and still making the best choice for their daughter.

I've had many people tell me, "I could never do what you did," when referring to me being a birth mom. I know they mean well when they say this, but I almost want to say to them: So...if you were in an abusive relationship, you would want to keep your child and put them in that horrible situation? If God told you that this dear baby belonged to someone else, you would not have the faith to trust in God's plan? If the baby's father left you, you would want your child in a fatherless home, and sealed to no parents? I understand that many married mothers tell me this. But married mothers don't understand. They have a stable situation for their children. But if they were NOT in a stable situation, would they sacrifice for their child?

Most people don't! Most people think it is more noble to keep a child in an unstable environment, then to have that child raised by someone who is not your blood. "Blood is thicker then water" right? I HATE that saying! I was not raised by my blood. Joseph, Jesus' father, was not his biological father. God was the Saviors biological father, yet Joseph loved Jesus as his own. The person that I am closest to in this WHOLE world, is my husband. Am I blood related to him?? Or course not! So, that saying means nothing. In reality, we are all Gods children. So, we are all kind of adoptive parents for God. When you are a birth mom and adopted, you really get a bigger picture of the whole world. Its not about blood. It's about love. It's about God's love and doing His will. It's about making it back to Him so that we can ALL be together as one big family someday.

"I delivered him from Heaven, from God's gentle loving care. I entrusted him to mortals, who have wished and prayed him there. They'll deliver him back to Heaven, where we'll meet again someday." -Cherie Call

Color Free

2009-07-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

A yummy treat and some beauty secrets!

2009-07-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

There are 2 things I want to blog about. Food and beauty!

First...the food! I've been feeling very antsy about baking lately. I love to bake, but who wants to turn on the oven when it's 100 degrees outside?! So, on the Bakerella blog, I found this great little recipe for Oreo truffles. Not only are they extremely simple to make, they are SOOOO good. I was actually taken back at how good they are! Mine turned out pretty well I think!

Here is the batch.

A close up

Here is the recipe from the Bakerella Blog.

Oreo Truffles

1 package Oreo cookies (divided… use cookie including the cream center)
1 8oz. package cream cheese (softened)
white chocolate bark

1. Finely crush 7 cookies in a food processor or place them in a Ziploc bag and crush into a fine consistency. Reserve for later.
2. Crush remaining cookies and stir in softened cream cheese. Use the back of a large spoon to help mash the two together.
3. Roll the mixture into 1" balls and place on wax paper covered cookie sheet.
4. Melt chocolate as directed on the package and then dip balls into chocolate, tap off extra and set aside on wax paper covered cookie sheet to dry. You can sprinkle the tops with the 7 crushed cookies for decoration. (I usually eat mine before they make it to this stage.)
5. Once dry, refrigerate and enjoy!

Makes about 36 truffles.

Notes: I used a small cookie cutter to push the mixture through for the heart shaped truffles. Also, it helps to freeze the uncoated balls for a few minutes to keep the mixture from starting to fall apart in the melted chocolate. If this becomes a problem, dip them in the chocolate, let dry and then dip again. They are also good dipped in regular milk chocolate bark. And for an extra twist, use the mint oreo sandwich cookies.

A side note from me: If you are going to decorate them with the extra oreos for decoration, do it right after you dip the balls. That's why only half of mine have the decoration. They harden pretty fast so if you don't do it right away, then it won't work

Beauty

I was asked recently what I use on my face to make it look so nice. Mind you, I have had acne before and it has taken me years to find a good beauty regimen. So, I decided that I would share some of my beauty secrets!

The cleanser that I like the best is this Oil of Olay Cleanser. It really gets all my make up off and doesn't over dry my face. I tried switching once to another cleanser and I went right back to this one. It just works better. It's about $4.48 at Walmart. The toner I use is also Olay. It's just witch hazel and it's around $3 art Walmart.

This moisturizer is the best stuff I have EVER used! I love it. It makes me skin look SO good. Even without make up my skin looks good. It's a little pricey. Its about $14 or $15 at Walmart. I usually will look for Aveeno coupons in the Sunday paper. It also comes out in a pump, so it lasts longer because you are only using a little bit.

This Aveeno scrub works great too. I use it about once a week. It is more affordable at about $6.50.

Last but not least, my foundation and powder. I use Mac Studio Fix Foundation. My color is NC42. It is a great foundation. Makes my skin look beautiful. It is pricey, at $ 26.00 at Macys, but it lasts about 3-5 months. I've used cheaper foundations that were gone in a month, but you don't have to use as much with this foundation. The powder is Minerlize Skin Finish, color Medium Deep. This stuff is really great too! If you don't wear a lot of make-up, this is really all you need as your base. This is $25.00 at Macys and my last one lasted me 6 months!

Side not: If you are on a budget, use vaseline as a moisturizer. I use it as an eye cream. Just don't use too much. You don't want to get the sheets greasy!
And if you wear foundation, try a foundation brush. You can get one at Walmart or Target for pretty cheap and you can use one for years instead of throwing them away like sponges. But if you do use a make-up sponge, make sure it is moist. A dry sponge will just soak up all the foundation, making you use more foundation.

Vegas

2009-07-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

Sean and I went to Vegas this last Monday for 4 days. We only went because it was free. We stayed in our free room at the Polo Towers from Monday till Wednesday. We decided to stay an extra day, so we got a cheap hotel room at Excalibur. And it was GHETTO! Which made it MORE fun! And despite all the crap that goes down in Vegas, there are a few perks.
Things I like about Vegas: They have a GREAT winter clearance section at Forever 21 out there. Does it ever get cold in Vegas?
I can get tan in like 20 minutes.
It is really fun to "people watch"!

Sean let me read some Twilight to him on our way there. What a good hubby!

The coke store on the strip..and they had Diet Coke apparel! MY DREAM!

Chillin on the strip

Our view at Polo Towers.

What do you do when you get a ghetto hotel room? Jump on the beds of course!

Our Nina Ballerina is 2!!

2009-07-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

2 years ago today, I became and Aunt and Sean became an Uncle. We have loved watching Nina grow up and love how close we are to her. She is a beautiful little princess. We love you Nina Ballerina!!

Nina and Auntie bonding a few hours after her birth. July 5th 2007

Nina and Sierra at our wedding open house. 4 months

Being a gansta with Uncle

First Birthday

Nina giving Auntie some lovin. July 5th 2009

2 years old. Our Ballerina

My husband: The Rapper

2009-06-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Sean has been in a music group for about 3 years. It took them some time to get their first CD finished....but they did it!! Patience + Time = great music! Sean's group "Color Free", is a hip hop group that makes not just great beats, but their music has good, clean lyrics. They want all genres of people to feel positivity when they hear their music. They have already had a few shows and a guy asked to do a documentary on them for youtube. Here is their video from youtube. The song playing in the back ground is one of their songs as well. Look for Color Free in the future and don't forget to buy their CD when it comes out!! =)

My husband is so talented and I am so proud of him!

June 22nd is quite a day!

2009-06-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today is my brother in law Macks 16th birthday, my best friend Kristals daughters (Kyriel) birthday and my friend Dianas daughters (Macazlyn)birthday AND it is also my "due date". If i had not miscarried back in December, today would be my due date. When I told someone at work today, she was like, "Wow, you really remembered that?" Well, it's kinda hard for me not too since there are sooo many birthdays on this day! I really thought that this day would be kind of hard for me. And while it does bring me some sadness, I have too much faith in our Heavenly Father. He knew what he was doing when He chose for me to miscarry. We don't know the exact reason why women miscarry for no apparent reason. People asked me right after I miscarried if the doctors had a reason why. And someone even told me that maybe next time I'd be more careful. Well guess what, I miscarried for NO REASON! The only reason I know of, is that our Father in Heaven knows what He is doing. I don't believe the whole, "it just wasn't the right time." I believe that Heavenly Father has a greater purpose behind all this. He knows the pain I felt in those first months after placing my birth son. I do not believe that He would just take my child from me because, "it wasn't the right time."

I have learned 3 very important lessons from losing this baby 6 months ago. The #1 lesson I learned was complete and absolute faith. Like I said, I don't know why, but I have faith in God's reasoning. #2 That I MUST turn to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ during times of trial. They continue to carry me through the hard times in my life. And even in those hard times, I have still see the Lord blessing me. #3 That Sean REALLY is ready to be a dad! He was always so scared to be a father. I was actually a little nervous when I first told him that I was pregnant, but he was more excited then me! He said that he really learned from our pregnancy experience that he is excited to be a daddy.

Usually when bad things happened in our lives, we want a reason. We don't necessarily need to know "why me" but more in the lines of, "what is the purpose of this hardship?" I have learned to not ask that of our Heavenly Father. He knows what he is doing, and hard as it may be at times, I will continue to have faith in His reasoning!

Hope Ya Know, We Had A Hard Time

2009-06-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have such a good husband. He saw that I was not having a good day, and being the great priesthood holder that he is, he offered to give me a blessing. After that, he had me watch this video. Of course I cried and now I have a headache, but it was worth it to get this message. So, please excuse my bad attitude in the previous post.

Need to VENT!!

2009-06-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today has just been "one of those days". We've all had them. The ones where you are just annoyed at possibly everything in the universe. Well, i'm having one of those today. I just needed to vent at the things I'm annoyed at:

1) This weather! It's suppose to be summer. I wore a sweater today(so not right). I went cherry picking with my class in Leona Valley, and I promise you it was 40 degrees with the wind chill. HORRIBLE!

2) That Sean didn't get hired for summer school and NO ONE in this Valley seems to want to hire an intelligent man such as him. But they will hire child molesters. Remember the guy from Winco that got 30 years in prison for molesting two little girls?! yea...and Winco wouldn't even hire me 3 years ago...but they'll hire THAT guy. Go figure.

3) That I should have my masters degree by now. But NOOOOOO....i'm still working on the Bachelors. And the best part is...i may finish school and not even get a job because of this GREAT economy!

4) That all of our good friends live far away. So I have no one to vent to in person. I have to do it on blogger. Very annoying.

5) That I do not have ANY clue when Sean and I are going to have children. It's very frustrating and I'm REALLY trying to be faithful, but it really gets me down sometimes not knowing when.

**just a side not** I really think this weather is what is making me so annoyed at everything. Maybe when the heat decides to show up, my attitude will go up as well.

2009 NBA CHAMPS ARE......

2009-06-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

The LOS ANGELES LAKERS of course!! Our team killed the Orlando Magic...not much magic in THAT team. Kobe is still the best player in the NBA. It was a great Laker season. I'm kind of sad it's over. I can't wait for next season. GO LAKERS!!!

LA ALL DAY

Rockin some of our Laker gear.

Lakers Baby!

Good weekend and lots of pictures

2009-06-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

I started work again today. I had a week off before summer school started, and now i'm back at Highland. Not so thrilled...but we had a really good weekend! Thursday we went to Barneys Beanery in Burbank to watch the Laker game. If you cannot be at the actual game Barneys is the next best place to be! It really is like being at a game. We had to get there 3 hours early just to get good seats! But it was so worth it to see LA kick Orlandos behind by 25 points!!
Friday, Seans brother Ohre graduated with his AA from College of the Canyons. We are so proud of him. He is going to UTI this fall.
Saturday, I got to take Nina to my co-worker/friends daughters 3rd birthday party. Zoe (the bday girl) grabbed Ninas arm as soon as we came in and started dragging Nina around. It was pretty cute.
Sunday, Sophia got blessed in church! We went up to Tehachapi for her blessing.

Good weekend!

Representin LA ALL DAY!!

Go Lakers!

This is my "I'm So Happy The Lakers Won!" face

He be super smart

All about Ohre

The family

Nina and her new friend Zoe

Ninas been doing this "copying" thing where she copys EVERYTHING! I layed on the floor and put my hands up like this, and she copied me! It was so cute!

Thompson family after Sophias blessing

The "rambo face"...they are so weird! haha

The girls!

It's FINALLY finished!!

2009-06-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

In March of 2008, I was asked by my social worker at LDS Family Services if I would like to be apart of the new website for LDS Family Services. Of course I said yes! What a wonderful opportunity for me to be an advocate for adoption and birth mothers! So, last March, I was flown up to Salt Lake for one crazy and fun day of interviewing, picture taking and meeting other birth moms. I was dead tired the whole day because I had left for the airport at 3 in the morning and I couldn't sleep the night before. So, besides from being extremely tired, it was such a great experience.

The new website was suppose to be up in September, but as we know, nothing ever goes as planned. So, as of today, one year and 3 months after filming, it's up!! Just go to www.itsaboutlove.org and click on the "Real Life Stories" section. I feel so blessed to be apart of something so great.

Go check me out!!

2009 Western Conferance Champs!

2009-05-29T20:42:00.001-07:00

I have to brag for a second. Our team, the LA Lakers made it to the NBA finals once again!! Even though the road to the finals has been rocky, I still have faith in our team and in their leader, Mr. Kobe Bryant.

Long before I met Sean, my dear grandma and grandpa Thompson, deeply instilled in me the love for the Lakers. My grandparents never missed a game when they were alive, and I'm sure they are still on the other side, routing for the gold and purple. So thank you grandma & grandpa for truly giving me MY team!

Memorial weekend and my new addiction

2009-05-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

Sean and I had a great 3 day weekend this last week. Friday, my best friend from college turned 25. I still can't believe it! When we met, she was 18 and I was 19. That seems so long ago! Then Saturday, Sean and I had a nice date night, then we went dancing again with some friends. It was really good exercise for my legs! Sunday after church we got to see our beautiful nieces!! We just love them so much! They are such dolls! Here are a few pics from our 3 day weekend.

How precious is she!?

I love being and auntie!

I have the most handsome husband in the WHOLE world!

Going dancing on Saturday.

Kristals bday party. My coworkers, me, Kristal, and her co workers

Before I end this post, I have to add one more thing....I am cursing Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight saga!!!! Ok, not really....I am just SOOO intertwined in her books! I can't put them down! I am on the 2nd book, "New Moon". I started last night, and I am already half way through! What is wrong with me?! HAHA. The last time I was obsessed with something, was when I was 12, and it was NSYNC! Now I'm 25, obsessed with books and movie. So PATHETIC! And I know I jumped on the ban wagon kinda late, but I will admit it now, I'm a Twilight freak!! Sean is not even the least bit annoyed. He actually encourages me! "Go ahead, buy this babe. Buy that!" What a wonderful husband I have...fueling my addiction! =)

ps. I can't wait for the New Moon movie. 11-20-2009!

She's here!!!!

2009-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sophia Helena was born at 12:13 this morning weighing 6 lbs 14 oz and 18 3/4 inches! Olia did a great job and we barely got to the hospital in time!

She had been contracting all day. She arrived at our house a little after nine. She said her contractions were about 10 minutes apart. She told me to go get some rest before the fun started. I couldn't really sleep because of me nerves. At 11:30, my mom comes in and tells me we need to get to the hospital. I was like, "what?? all ready?". So, I quickly got dressed and Tom, Olia and myself are out the door.

We got to the hospital about 11:45. She got checked into triage, and I had to wait in the waiting room until she was brought into delivery. I texted Sean at 12:06. Not 10 seconds later, Tom came out and got me. I asked he what she was dialated to. He said a 10!! Woohooo!! I get in the delivery room, and it's all a buzz! She had one contraction when I was in there, and the nurse told her that the next one she could start pushing. So, during her next one, she started pushing and 3 pushes later, Sophia was here! I'm so happy we left for the hospital when we did!

Seeing a birth of a baby is such and amazing thing. And Olia did it all drug free, which was her request, not that she had time for an epidural anyway!=) I'm just so happy and blessed that she is a healthy baby. She has darker hair then Nina. It will be fun to see who she looks like in the next few weeks. I will post pictures later today. And thats if I'm not past out from exhaustion! I got into bed at almost 3 am and woke up at 7:50!! What the heck! But i'm excited to it's hard to sleep.

You did so great Olia! I'm so proud of you!

Being a birth mom

2009-05-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

First off, Happy Mothers Day to all the mommy's! Second, Happy Birth Mothers Day too..(which was yesterday).

Birth Mothers Day is always the Saturday before mothers day. Many people have asked me why we just don't celebrate on mothers day with all the other mothers. Well, we (birth mothers), feel like mothers. We carried and delivered our babies, and we sacrificed for them. Something any good mother would do. But, we need our own day. Not because we feel that we are better then the rest of the mothers. It's because we are a different kind of mother. I personally feel that today, my birth sons adoptive mother should be celebrated. Today is her day. Yesterday was my day.

Being a birth mom is not something that I expected in my life. But it happened. As hard as it's been, and as many tears as I've cried, I'm grateful that it did happen. I now know the true meaning of being selfless. I never in my right mind would have ever thought that I could give someone else my little baby that I loved so much. But I did, and it was for him, not me. I never thought that I was strong enough to do something so hard. Now, I feel like I can take on anything. I never thought that I could love someone so much through pictures and letters, but every time I get a picture of my birth son, I fall in love with him even more. I am so grateful to be a birth mom. I am grateful to my birth sons wonderful parents who have been so good to me, have never forgotten about me and love him more then anything. I am so grateful to our Heavenly Father and Savior for not only getting me through the turmoil, but also for the atonement. Repentance is real and our Savior truly knows how we feel. So, every Saturday before mothers day, always remember that it's birth mothers day. If you were adopted, or know someone that was, or know a birth mother yourself, don't forget that wonderful woman who sacrificed and gave another couple such a wonderful gift. Because without birth moms, some mothers would not have a mothers day.